Starting Over

Here's a scary-ass prospect:  I'm nearly 47 and facing what is for me, financial ruin. Gone are the days when our combined salary was edging close to 6 figures.  Gone are the days of being able to afford a weekly lawn service like we had in 2008.  No more trips to Canada or the coast.

I've always prided myself on having a fairly decent ability to budget my money really well.  My cousin Sharon has always said that Diane and I have always been able to make $10 out of $1.  Back in about 1977 or 1978, when Di and I started earning money from babysitting and chores, we both started budgets, which we kept in cigar boxes.  Inside the box was a little notebook and pen with the envelope of the money I'd earned.  We were between Christmas-Club-Account-Age and Real-Grown-Up-Savings-Account-Age, so all our cash was kept in our respective cigar boxes.  I'd do the math out in the notebook to keep track of when I was taking stuff out of the envelope, how much and what I bought w/ it.  And then adding in my chore and babysitting money.  I was what, 12? 13?  My parents were very frugal and were constantly drilling into my head the importance of hard work and not wasting money on what they referred to as 'crap', i.e., records, books, Teen Beat magazine, cheap jewelry & blacklight posters from Spencer Gift's. I was expected to have enough money to finance Christmas gifts for my large family of aunts, uncles and cousins, as well as my friends, and also have enough money to finance birthday gifts for my family & friends.  Most of my yearly saving went toward that end, but yeah, I did like to spend money on 'crap'.  I still do.

So far we have ridden out this recession fairly well, thanks to my awesome budgeting skills.  We would have gone under a loooooong time ago.  But if I don't walk away from this situation now, I'll really be screwed.  I have no choice but to cut my losses, and return to the east coast broke and jobless, seeking a career change, just like when I walked away from TV Production and started over in law.  I've got one chance left to rebuild my life and this is it.

The cruelest real irony is that I'll be unloading the boxes of my stuff into the Coop nearly 22 years TO THE DAY that I moved them out of the Coop, when I left to move to San Francisco.  I won't have an apartment so I'll be crashing at mom's for a bit, just like I did the 2 weeks between moving out of my Sandwich apartment and leaving for California.  I'll have about the same amount of money, but it doesn't stretch near as far as it did in 1989, before gas, groceries and everything else skyrocketed in price.

The thing that's really breaking my heart is the house.  It really is a great piece of property and I wish w/ all my heart that Brian could keep it, but it's not feasible.  Not without any income.  And he finds himself in the exact same position he was in when we met, which is flat broke, living on the edge of homelessness, and I feel just terrible about that and for hurting him.  This situation has been very hard for him to accept.  I don't know what the answer is for him, but if I am ever going to find my happiness and try to make a positive change in my life, I have to get out before my own depression eats me alive.  And at least I have people to go home to, back east.  My sweet boyfriend, my friends and family won't let me fall.  But Brian has no one here.  Moving near his family in NJ isn't an option.  Without an income, he is going to run out of money and that scares me to death.  Believe me, I am fully prepared to take both Pepper and Sagan, and that means Brian would be really alone.  I don't think he will survive without us, and that also scares me to death.  

22 years is a long time to be with someone, esp. as much as Brian and I have hung out.  We have acquired a lot of stuff.  I have started purging stuff and it is surprisingly easy to part with it.  I can't believe we hauled all of it with us from California.  Brian and I made a lot of great memories and had a lot of laughs.  Unfortunately we got off track, and fairly early on too, but we both opted to stay together because for the most part we get along well, as friends and roommates.  We moved to Washington for a fresh start after a particularly rocky patch in the mid to late 90's.  It was good for the first couple years here, but then everything went back to the way it was in California.  And now I'm closing the door on that part of my life and hurting someone who I do care about and did love, once. I have chosen to try and forget the bad times and look upon "The Brian & Jo Era" with the good memories of vacations and Dead shows, protest marches and hiking, and all the laughs we had, b/c we did have a lot of laughs.  I'm torn between happiness and excitement at my new life and sadness for ending this chapter in my life.  Balancing my passion for my squeeze and compassion for Brian is difficult at best.   It just sucks to be in this position.  Sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning and deal w/ all of the stress, yet staying home and calling in sick is almost a more stressful option, because I have to be here.  I want it to be July already.  And I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye to Brian either b/c he's already so emotional every time he thinks about my leaving with Pepper....and, more than likely, Sagan too.  He has already unfriended me on Facebook b/c of my being out in the open about my relationship status.

Our realtor is not optimistic on the chances of selling the house any time soon.  I had hoped that it could be listed at its assessed value.  That would have put a little bit of profit in our pockets after closing costs and the mortgage was paid.  But b/c it needs work and upgrades, it can only be listed for a few thousand more than what is owed.  We may break even, but it's not looking good.  He thinks it'll have to be done on a short sale and I'm still trying to understand what that means.  I'm not up on real estate stuff and I haven't had a chance to look through the short sale info my boss gave me.  To be honest, reading that stuff takes tremendous effort b/c it's just so all unpleasant and boring, no matter how positive I try to keep my attitude.   All I know is that it's going to fuck up my credit and I'm not happy about that.  Everything else on my credit report is stellar.  I don't think it's fair to put foreclosures on people's credit reports anymore because it's happened to millions of people.  I really thought we'd walk away w/ some money but we may, in all likelihood, walk away owing money.  How's that for a kick in the chicklets?

I just cannot believe how bad we fucked up by refinancing the house so much during the good times when banks were throwing loans and credit card applications at people, and I don't even remember what we pissed the money away on either.  When we refinanced, in 2005, it was to tap into the equity and buy that cursed property on the Olympic Peninsula.  Biggest. Mistake.  EVER.  We poured so much money into that place only to sell it a year later.  Yeah we put the majority of the sales money into an interest-bearing account and used it towards the mortgage balance when we refinanced the last time in 2008, but it wasn't as much as what we'd borrowed to buy the property in the first damn place.  I will, one of these days, blog about the Curse of the Neilton Property experience but I'm even creeped out by the photos I shot of it.  I can't even make myself scan them.  But I digress....

Could I have saved more money over the years?  Yes.  Should I have, instead of catalog shopping?  Definitely.  But compared to most other people, we did OK.  We were always able to see Grateful Dead shows back in the day, we always had enough to cover our bills.  We could go out to eat and take vacations.  I've never fallen behind on any payments to any creditors. We never had tons and tons of credit cards.  But now it's our turn to fall victim of the economy.

So.  There it is.  Nearly 47 and in the same financial situation I was in when I was 24 and headed to California.  Except I no longer have youth on my side, or years and years ahead of me to work to make it up.  I learned from working at Channel 56 that money doesn't buy happiness.  And I must be honest that the best years Brian and I had were the ones when we were really poor.  I didn't start making decent money till about 1991 or 1992.  We couldn't even afford cable TV that first year in San Francisco.  My main concern now is finding a place that will allow 2, possibly 3, dogs. As long as I am with the people I love and I am finally happy, that's all I care about.  I had hoped to take some time off to decompress when I got back, however I will probably have to job hunt fairly quickly, which is a disappointment, but a necessary evil.  I've already decided that I am not going to apply for any law jobs.  I can't do it anymore.  The stress is horrid and it took me 12 years to unlearn everything I learned in California when I moved to Washington.   I just don't see being able to learn Mass. law, and I'm just too damn tired to learn a whole new set of Court rules.  Ideally I'd like something mellow and part time, Mon-Thurs, at least for now.  Plus I'll pursue selling my jewelry stuff, once everything's unpacked.

And so I will limp back to Cape Cod financially battered, but hopefully mentally & emotionally healthy, or at least more mentally & emotionally healthy than I have been over the past 6 or so years.  Just like I've made my peace with being a Townie, I've made my peace with this as well.