Blah Blah Blah

I was over on Sugar Mag's blog earlier and she was talking about having the February blues.  I'm not one who is affected by SAD, but I am feeling a bit bored, restless and unable to concentrate on anything too.  I tried making jewelry over the weekend but was not into that either. Nothing's sold on Etsy in awhile but I haven't really done much to promote it. I'm between craft projects and between books.  I have had a lot on my mind lately.  A LOT.  It will become clear in a few months, but I am unable to do anything right now and that's part of my restlessness. I'm the world's most impatient person and so this goes against my nature.  It's also why I can't concentrate on anything.  Crafts, my job, every day life....can't do it.  Too preoccupied.  Don't know what to blog about right now, and the thing I need to blog about and get off my chest, I can't.  Yet. 

I had to take my camera to be cleaned at the camera shop in Lakewood, and despite being told it would be ready on Saturday, they neglected to tell me that they meant 'late afternoon'.  So I went out there when they opened for nothing.  I was pretty pissed.  Sunday was a really nice, clear and warm day too.  I wanted to go down to Mount St. Helens but w/o a camera, it's not worth the 200+ mile round trip drive.  I was hoping to go next weekend since I'm off for 4 days but the snow level is dropping so looks like I won't be taking any day trips next weekend either.  Trapped again.

38 more days till my trip back to Cape Cod.  That should be very interesting.  I just hope it doesn't snow.  I am really, really looking forward to the trip though.  This is the first time I can ever remember being stoked about heading east.  It'll be fun to see my old friends & my family.   Not to thrilled with the airport security procedures, but at least I can fly in comfortable first class. 

My job is getting more and more stressful.  All we do now is go to trial.  We seem to have a trial every week.  Half the time we can't get a Courtroom and we have to 'trail' for 4 days, which means we have to do all the trial prep, all the copying of exhibits and writing the legal memorandum and stuff, then my boss goes down to the Courthouse to sit around and wait for a Judge.  Most of the time the date gets set over, but we still have to go through all the machinations, just in case he does go out on the first or second day.  All anyone wants to do is fight.  The lawyers are fighting, their clients are fighting and no one wants to give an inch to the other side, so we go right up to trial.  There are some very, very damaged children out there, thanks to their parents' selfishness and using the kids as pawns in their sick little games.  We have so many high maintenance clients.  I just can't stand my job anymore.  I like the writing and all, but it's the constant demands that are made on us, as if each person thinks they are our only client.  I'm sick of being screamed at b/c phone calls & emails aren't being returned immediately.  Sometimes I think "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve is my theme song.

I get home at night and I'm so tired, but I try to sleep and I can't turn my brain off.  I can't eat.  My heart pounds so loud and so fast, it feels like it's going to come out of my chest.  I think I need to have a good cry but I can't even manage that.  I need peace and quiet.  I'm sick of noise and stress.   I never ever get the house to myself, yet I feel so alone.  It's all I can do to keep from running.  Far away.  Fight or flight is kicking in again and I'm having a hard time fighting.  I'm exhausted and I want to give up, but I can't, not now.  I've been freefalling into an abyss for such a long time, but it's coming to an end soon.  The light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train after all, but I still have a ways to go before I get there.  So every time I feel like this, I listen to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, and they're never gonna keep me down..."  Makes me feel better to have a rallying cry I guess.  I've always drawn strength from music and lyrics that mean something to me.  

Maybe I'll make a mix tape, since it's clear I won't be going to sleep any time soon tonite, despite my utter exhaustion.