Write What You Know

At least that's what they say. What do I know? Lots I guess. But lately, I just cannot think of anything to blog about. I have major writer's block. The only thing I "know" at this point, that I can blog, is bad news.

Almost a year ago, I did a very dark post when I was super depressed. I wasn't into Christmas, or anything else for that matter. Well, I didn't think it was possible, but I'm even LESS into the holidays this year. I wasn't even this bad the year my dad died or after 9/11. I still happily took out the decorations and spent hours trimming the house. I listened to my Christmas music mix tapes in the car and sang along. I baked and baked and baked. Peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, cranberry bread, rice crispie treats, gingerbread cookies. At least last year I got some decorations out, put out the stockings, got the little tree out of the garage. Maybe I'll cave in closer to the day, but at this point, it's not looking good. You know it's bad when I can't even bring myself to watch all of my fave holiday shows, like "A Child's Christmas in Wales", "Scrooge" or any of the cartoons like "Grinch" and "Charlie Brown". It just seems like the more I watch that stuff, the more I long for the simpler times of my youth in the 70's. I cry my eyes out every year at the end of each one, partly b/c it's a happy ending, but partly b/c I'm so nostalgic and I miss those "old days" and now everyone's either dead or scattered to the wind.

But 2008 has been a pretty bad year for lots of people. Everything's just piling on and I just don't see myself making cards this year, decorating or even digging the stockings out. I don't want to wrap presents. I don't want to bake. Everything is such a huge fucking effort. It's like I just want to point Brian in the direction of where his gifts are hidden and say, "They're in there, knock yourself out."

I'm sorry I haven't been diligently blogging, but I can't think of anything at all to talk about. I can't even think of a way to be funny when I go off on a rant.

While Brian had a great interview yesterday, we don't dare get our hopes up. It's a great job; doesn't pay as well as Weyco did, but who cares. A job w/ benefits is all that matters. Then I can get onto his company's health plan and dump "Group Death".

Most of what's getting me down is how upset I am for my friends. So many of you guys have been having a really bad year. Who knows when we'll hear from Axe again as she's offline indefinitely; her employers cut off her internet access. Bryde, well, she's had the worst year of all of us. Many of my other friends have been battling crippling depression. My cousins (and I, but to a lesser extent) have been subjected to nearly 6 years of almost nonstop harassment from a very mentally ill "ex-cousin". A friend of Brian's spent the afternoon of Thanksgiving with us b/c his wife decided to move out the next day. He was so distraught. So he's on his cell phone, in our bathroom, sobbing and I'm upstairs on our landline with my cousin Sharon, who is also extremely upset over the ongoing "issue" with our family. At work, this time of year is horrendous. People like nothing more than to fuck with their ex's during the holidays and ALWAYS at the expense of the children. Many of our clients need so much handholding and I just don't have enough compassion to go around anymore. So I usually end up taking a lot of my frustration out on other drivers. I basically drive to and from work with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand in the air, giving everyone the finger.

I swear Facebook is the only thing that's keeping me going anymore. Don't even have "LOCI" to watch either. Well, except for the DVD's of course, but I really enjoyed the reruns on the USA Channel. Now all they show is lame crap like "House", "NCIS" and "Monk". Hate all 3 shows. Apathy is at an alltime high this year. I haven't even seen that many decorations or lights on people's homes this year, and usually they get started over Thanksgiving weekend.

My "goals" for the new year petered out by May, which was the last time I went to the gym or thoroughly cleaned a room in my house. I'm lucky if I get the house cleaned once a month. It's so hard to get out of bed and do the same slog over and over and over again.

I'll try to be better about blogging in the new year. Maybe by then I can think of something positive to talk about. Or at least think of something to talk about.