Pet Peeve #1: Men - The Unnecessary Accessory

Ladies: When you want to go to an antique show, craft show, shopping mall, whatever, LEAVE THE MEN AT HOME!


Germs: When your wife bugs you to go with her to an antique show, craft show, shopping mall, whatever, STAY HOME!



I consider myself a seasoned veteran of these kinds of shows. I've been to antique shows, Victorian Country Christmas, Tibet Day, craft fairs, Native American pow wows, gem & jewelry shows, bead festivals, and every time it's the same damn thing. Some man, standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, looking around cluelessly, then, more often than not, turning around only to crash into the people who are trying to go around the guy. They have no spacial awareness. Then they're all, "Oh excuse me, dear, I'm so sorry". Or they stand next to their wives in tiny, narrow booths, taking up room. They stand there, chit chatting with the guy selling the antique fishin' poles, "O'yuh, O'yuh, Ah 'member back'n 'Ought-Six, we'd a-go to the fishin' hole down by t'ol rock quarry, an' use a pole juss lahke this'n." Either buy the fucking pole grampa, or move outta the fucking way.


Men: Where is your self respect? Isn't there some kind of game on TV you could be at home watching? Skiing? Hockey Night in Canada? Professional Bowling, maybe? Are you that cowed that you have to go with your wives? And if you want to go just because you like to, can you please learn spacial awareness and to not stand there like a friggin speed bump staring into space when people are trying to get around you?


Women: Why oh why do you insist on "sharing the shopping joy" with your significant others? I have only known a handful of men who actually enjoy this past-time. Most of them would much rather be home in their recliners with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other. In fact, I'm willing to bet that most of them would rather be anywhere, than shopping with you for antiques tschotkes or beads.

My father was one of the few men who enjoyed going to gift shops w/ my mom and me. Despite our telling him to be careful and not touch anything, inevitably, we'd hear a "bang" or a "crash", then the mea culpa being delivered in his distinctive West Indian accent. He'd either knocked someone over or backed into a shelf full of knick knacks. It got to be a running joke. Mom and I would find him in the store and he'd be looking at us with his silly smile. And it's not like he was a large man and could use the "I didn't see it" excuse.....he was only 5'6".

Early in our marriage, Brian agreed to go to a Native American jewelry show in San Francisco with me once. Once. He sweetly promised to buy me a pair of earrings. Well, that took a lot of thought, you know? There were tons of earrings for sale!! First, I needed to make a pass through whole the show to see what they had, and eliminate stuff I didn't like. Then I had to narrow it down to 5 or 6 pairs I really liked. Then I had to make the big decision. He finally snaps, "JUST PICK ONE FOR CRISSAKE!" and I'm like, "FINE! I'LL TAKE THESE!" From then on, it was quietly understood that I'd be going to future shows solo, so that I could take my sweet time, do things on my timetable, and he could sit home, in said recliner, with said beer and remote. It's worked out much better that way. He looks forward to seeing my purchases when I get back, I don't feel rushed because he's giving off "waves of annoyance" and everyone is much happier.

And while I'm on the subject of people taking up inordinate amounts of room, do we really need those ginormous double wide baby carriages? Who makes these things, the same people that brought you Hummers and Escalades? Could you possibly leave your youngsters at home to watch cartoons and load up on sugary cereals? Because the little kids I saw were very "I wanna go hooooooome!" and bored beyond belief.


I am thinking about going into business for myself. I will be a "Husband Event Consultant". I will teach the producers of these shows to have a whole separate room where husbands can go wait for their wives. A "Hubby Day Care", if you will. A room with a giant, flat screen TV, tuned to some kind of sporting event. Comfy recliners and couches. Male-themed decorations like sports penants, posters of Danica Patrick, and Pink Floyd. Magazines would include "GQ", "Maxim", "Sports Illustrated", "Rolling Stone", "Field & Stream", etc. There'd be Cabela's catalogs (sporting goods) and LL Bean catalogs. There would be refreshments - if the establishment is licensed to sell alcohol, then there would be beer. If not, then soft drinks & coffee drinks. Hot pretzels, hot dogs, french fries, burgers, etc. Wi-Fi would be available too. Maybe a licensed masseuse could come in and set up a chair to do free 15 minutes massages. Just something, anything to keep the men OUTTA THE GODDAMN WAY!!!