Mt. Rainier and Lenticular Clouds - Dec. 2008 copyright: JMM

June 6, 2007

When life hands you lemons..... leave work early, go to the bead shop, then take a mental health day and spend the day in a quiet house doing beadwork. At least that's what I do when life hands me lemons.


I had a rough day on Monday, and decided that it was not only in my best interest that I take the day off, but that it would be in mankind's best interest to take the day off. Several months ago I did a post about trying to wean off the antidepressants. It's taken a very long time, but I finally did it. Unfortunately, nearly everything is making me cry or choke up, including commercials, songs, TV name it and I'm on the verge of tears. Throw in my normal road rage, and the contempt and disdain for our clients, and it's The Perfect Storm.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Although we have clients that I do like a lot, the majority of them are big time whiners. Especially the men. The men give us the most trouble, calling and weeping about their divorce, crying poor mouth and "she's gonna bleed me dry". I have absolutely no sympathy for them. We have this one client (who I know is somewhat scared of me because I have no time for his excuses and I refuse to mollycoddle him), who pays everything with his debit card. He has tons of money to go out to eat and spend on his "lady friends", but pay his lawyer's bill? Oh, and his wife has access to his statements and I shit you not, his debit card statement reads like this: "Hooters, Fred Meyer Jewelry, The Lusty Lady, Lover's Package, Super 8 Motel." All located on the notorious "SeaTac Strip" where Green River Killer Gary Ridgway used to hunt. doesn't take Detective Goren to figure out what he's doing with his time and money. (Lover's Package is one of the many sex toy shoppes we have out here). And he wonders why his wife is going for the jugular in this divorce.

I have another male client who calls and cries his eyes out, how he doesn't want this divorce, why did she leave him, etc etc etc. He's so freakin clingy that I don't blame his wife one bit for leaving him. Then you know what he says to me? "I found out her grandmother did the same thing when she hit menopause too." I nearly blew a head gasket. How I managed to keep from telling him that clearly he's a sexist bastard and I'm glad that his wife is moving on with her life and if he EVER says something like that to me again, he will be VERY sorry.

Then I get a call from a woman who talked to my boss in March about his taking over her case, then we hear absolutely nothing from her. The trial is July 11. Her other lawyer withdrew on May 31 so I called him and he sent his file over. I called her to ask what was going on, and she kept telling me that Steve told her that "we have plenty of time, there's no rush." This time, I blew said head gasket. I said, "Yeah, we had time in MARCH! IT'S NEARLY A MONTH TO TRIAL AND NOW YOU WANT US TO REPRESENT YOU? I can tell ya one thing, the trial in July just ain't happenin'. We're going to have to move for a continuance, because Steve can't possibly prepare this case in such a short period of time," and she gives me shit about how her trial's already been moved twice! I tersely told her that she should have hired us in March.

It was at that point I decided I'd better take a mental health day because although I will vent about these people around the office, I never actually get like that with them on the phone.

And my coworker has had a really bad nagging cough for about a year. Yes, you read that right, a year. The constant coughing is driving me fucking BATSHIT. All goddamn day long, cougha- cougha-cougha-cough. Here's an idea, get some medication! Move to the desert Southwest! But STOP COUGHING!!! I swear to god, it's nonstop as I write this and I'm gonna start taking hostages.......

No Shit Sherlock

I had a dr. appt. on Monday about my ongoing and terrible foot/shin/ankle pain, and low back pain. She tells me I have plantar faciitis, which is what I figured. Then she hints around that maybe I should look into losing some weight. Well HELLO! Excuse me Miss Genetically Blessed Uber Nordic Tall And Thin Doctor, if my friggin feet and legs didn't hurt so bad, MAYBE I COULD GET SOME EXERCISE!!! She tells me to cut down on my portion sizes. Jesus Christ. If she could see my portion sizes, and the food I eat, she would know damn well that I do not overeat. Why do people assume that overweight people eat like pigs and have no control? Has it ever occurred to them that maybe we are trying and have constantly struggled with it our whole lives but our genetics are working against us?

I hate Technology

A few months ago we had Comcast come out and give us a DVR cable box. Unfortunately they hooked it up and somehow made it so we can't tape off the VCR too. Since then, I've recorded a bunch of stuff that I haven't watched yet, plus all the Bobby episodes of LOCI. For some reason, when you look at the guide, when you press "info" to see what a show is about, the box will switch itself off, then take about 5 minutes to come back on and reset. Annoying, yes. Brian called Comcast and told them and they were gonna come out today to replace the box. I called Brian back and asked, "what about the stuff that's recorded? I do not want to lose all of it!" So he calls Comcast then calls me back to say, "Yep, we'll lose all of it so I canceled the appointment." See, this is why I like videotaping. It's something tangible. I can record the tape, rewind it, take it out, label it. Watch it whenever I want. Replace the VCR if it breaks. But not with a DVR. Now we have to figure out how to transfer from DVR to tape, which is sort of stupid because if I'm gonna have tapes anyway, then why did we get a DVR in the first damn place?

Although I like my digicam, I am somewhat distressed at not having tangible negatives. I keep all my negatives in plastic preserver sheets, in 3 ring binders. I can lay my hand on any negative for any photograph for the past 30 years in a matter of minutes. All I get with a digital camera is a disc that I have to futz around with on the computer. I hate to futz.

I HATE PEOPLE From "Scrooge" (Leslie Bricusse)

Scavengers and sycophants and flatterers and fools
Pharisees and parasites and hypocrites and ghouls
Calculating swindlers, prevaricating frauds
Perpetrating evil as they roam the earth in hordes
Feeding on their fellow men
Reaping rich rewards
Contaminating everything they see
Corrupting honest me like me
Humbug! Poppycock! Balderdash! Bah! I hate people!
I hate people! People are despicable creatures
Loathesome inexplicable creatures
Good-for-nothing kickable creatures I hate people!
I abhor them!
When I see the indolent classes
Sitting on their indolent asses
Gulping ale from indolent glasses I hate people!
I detest them! I deplore them!
I hate people! I loathe people!
I despise and abominate people!
Life is full of cretinous wretches
Earning what their sweatiness fetches
Empty minds whose pettiness stretches
Further than I can see
Little wonder I hate people
And I don't care if they hate me!


  1. I am sorry to say I am laughing,but I am!Men are the biggest damned whiners!My ex did the same thing whining about how HE got screwed over!I was the one who ditched it all to be free of his pathetic ass!

    As for DVR....I have lost everything twice,thanks to switching back and forth from cable to satellite due to bad service from both at differing times.However,I like the options I am given on DVR vs. my VCR,clarity being high on the list.

    My most large pet peeve with our customers?

    "Is there a discount/sale.etc.?"...apparently the "used books/media" part of the sign was Greek to them!I have had people bitch about how a $5 book was "too much"!

    Most people want things FREEly handed to them.I hate those people.

    One day,I think we will both just look at one unlucky whining soul and just will begin with the words"Oh for God's sake shut the fuck up!"

    Hope you feel better after having some "me" time!

  2. Bryde - Your comment made me laugh! :D

    My pet peeve: I tell someone that Steve is on the phone and they say, "Do you know how long he'll be?" Oh, let me just look into my crystal ball....

    Or, "Have you heard anything about my case?" Um, yeah we did, but first you have to provide me with today's secret password before I will tell you.


  3. Lizzzard7:23 PM

    Oh Jojo, some things never change!
    Therer was a reason we called you "nitro" in high school!

    I laughed my ass off reading this- this was the most therapuetic blog I have ever read. If there is anyone out there that can't relate to this- well, share your drugs!

    This past Friday I went on a field trip and I handed one child my travel mug of coffee with the warning not to lose it because if I didn't have enough coffee I would be cranky all day. Another cherub looked at me and very innocently inquired if we could get me a second cup! Out of the mouth of babes!

    Feel better. Find your bead bliss!

  4. Oh yes this feels so familiar. Ever tried to sell people shoes? Talk about whiners!! Kid has a bad blister maybe cus you forced his foot into shoes 2 sizes to small or returning sopping wet sneakers and declaring They were never out of the box. Mental health days should be written into the contract for anyone who deals with the public:)

  5. VPDZOO - what a great idea on the mental health days being part of the bennies package!

    Liz - Did I put "Nitro" into the yearbook as one of my nicknames? I can't remember.

    Oh and by the way, the guy that whines about his wife while picking up ladies on the SeaTac strip is about 60 years old. And he's not a nice-looking 60 either.

  6. IS there a nice looking 60?Do Hopkins and Connery count?As for your client....eeewwww!Oh,I think MH days SHOULD be part of your employment agreement!

  7. i agree with bryde: eeewwww!

    and for you, jojo: i really hope the day helped you. but as everyone else i can understand you. some people are a true pain in the ass and men definitely ARE bigger whiners than women!
    unfortunately i'm in a pretty good mood right now, but normally i would also fully agree with the "i hate people". maybe tomorrow ;)

  8. Anonymous10:16 AM


    Odio la jente!!! people suck bad. too many of them.

  9. everyone needs a "me" day...and your post was cathartic for you...and me! i laughed my head off about the your clients...but i empathize with you about the anti-depressants...
    please take pix of what you made with your beads...
    and my vcr sorta has a glitch in'll only record for 1 hour. it can be fixed, you just gotta go through the on-screen programming...oh, wait, the remote's been missing for 2 years.
    cheer up...your trip to canada is coming soon!

  10. aw jojo. you really do need a mental health day and at least you realized that cuz otherwise i think you might just blow up...

    hm, i kind of wonder why that chick's first lawyer withdrew...maybe something to do with the client? like her sincere lack of responsibility? is it a criminal or civil case?

    i agree with the DVR thing. although it's great to have the DVR cuz it can be convenient. it can also suck. i've lost a bobby episode to the DVR :(

    and yes, losing weight is not a simple thing!!! my sister is a size 0 and my dad expects me to be like her. even if i wanted to be a size 0 i wouldn't be. genetics prohibit that. and i exercise! so i'm tryin weight watchers. signed up and everything. i'll let you know if it works.

  11. L'Oreal - since I did this post, I found out that our client is on her 6th divorce; I've found court cases for her under different names and in different counties; she has several judgments against her. If my boss takes this case after seeing my research, I will have to kill him. She'll never pay us.

    Let me know how WW goes!! I've always been afraid to go there; I'm not a "joiner".

  12. Kristy2:46 PM

    I work in a lawyer's office too. All of our divorce clients, at the moment, are female. And they seem to think that by ignoring our deadlines they are somehow sticking it to their husbands. Uh, wrong. You're only hurting yourselves, ladies.

    At least my co-worker doesn't cough. But then, he's a collie. If he'd just keep his nose out of my crotch, I'd be happy.

  13. A nice-looking 60, Bryde? I guess we have to wait 12 years and see how Vincent looks then.

    JoJo, as long as you keep your sense of humour about these idiots, I think you'll probably be able to avoid killing anyone.

  14. And if you can't, I'm sure Steve will be able to defend you successfully.

  15. her sixth divorce??? her sixth????

    that, there, should tell you something!!!

  16. oh jojo! what a post! you have a way of expressing yourself!

  17. jojo before you go postal maybe you should consider going back on the meds?? I'm with you on the whole dealing with the public thing. There is definitely a universal stream of "It's all about Me!" going on and it drives me crazy too. Also, perhaps like me, you are overly empathetic and you pick up other people's feelings and moods too easily. That really fries my brain if I don't work at keeping people out of my head.
    btw- weight watchers is the only thing that has ever worked for me. I had plantar faciitis and it disappeared after I lost 15 pounds. And my knee and lower back stopped hurting too. :)

  18. Claire - Unfortunately I am like this meds or not....."Lizzzard" has known me since the 3rd grade and as she noted, one of my many nicknames was Nitro. My mom tells me that I remind her of Bulldog from "Frasier"!

    It's just hard sometimes when you are listening to people whining and bitching all day long, to cope with it. Monday was just a bad day; I'm better now. But I still dislike our clients!!

  19. Lizzzard7:55 PM

    Hey Jojo,

    Nitro is signed in my yearbook, whether it's printed I'd have to look. I will check it out.

    I loved Kristy's comment!

    You should write a book of short essays about your work. I am sure it would be a best seller.

    I am totally grossed out by Mr 60 pick up king. UUUGHHH!

    The hardest part of my job is not saying to parents:Please, I beg of you- get neutered!

  20. Don't know if it worked for you,but your post cheered me up!!

    The only work problem I have to deal with is a child coming with the wrong clothes for the weather,or a 3 year old in a strop,and thats stressful enough,so I don't know how you cope.You have my admiration for not biting thir heads off :-)

  21. Anonymous3:56 PM

    The only problem is she isn't really overweight.

  22. Anonymous - YOU ARE SO SWEET!!!!!

  23. sorry jojo, it's taken me so long to get here...

    what a wonderful post!

    what a positive rant!

    now all that's off your chest, do you feel better? That's the main thing

    take care of yourself and you rave and rant as much as you like if it helps.

    lotsa luv ann xxxx

    p.s. having gone through a hard and painful divorce, I expected support from my solicitor. For me divorce was traumatic and I was on the verge of a breakdown... I couldn't work, think or talk... she had to hold my hand and guide me every step of the way. And, quite frankly, it's the least one can expect for the fees they charge.

    For each divorce it's that person's life, but for the solicitor it's their living.

  24. I know I'm a bit late on this, but Jo, this must be the best post I've read in a long time!!!
    I'm with you, I know exactly what you mean and I can relate with this. Different places, different jobs, but the SAME fucking idiots to deal with!