One Year Ago Today

Warning: If you are easily icked out by lovey-dovey stuff, read no further.

And now for the sappy....erm....cutesy....erm....romantic, yeah that's it, romantic, portion of our program.....


January 7, 2011 was a normal day back in Washington State.  I got up early, went to work, suffered through my day, road-raged my way home and logged onto Facebook.  And there is was: A friend request from an old Sandwich High acquaintance.  For reasons I can't explain, my heart skipped a beat... I could not believe this man remembered me.  ME!!!  The annoying, immature, silly little 9th grader he harassed nearly nonstop the entire year.  We weren't close in school, he was older than me, we'd had one class together when I was 14 and he was pretty harsh with me in said class.  I was immediately attracted to this man, despite the decades that had gone by, despite knowing nothing about him...despite being married.  I was scared shitless.  Russell changed my life forever that winter day one year ago.  After a week of flirting on Facebook, he confessed his feelings to me.  I was already on the cusp, but I let myself fall utterly and completely in love with him.   He made it easy to close the first chapter of my life and start over again.

I keep waiting for that whole "initial relationship rush" to subside, now that it's been a year and we are happily living together, but it hasn't gone away, much to our delight. I never liked my first name, but when he says it, I melt. I can't tear my eyes off him, I can't keep my hands off him, I can't stop thinking about him and I have never been this happy in my entire life.  Friends and family have noticed the huge change in me, saying that they have never seen me so happy before and how great I look.  You should see the high wattage grin on my driver's license photo; all I did was think about him.  Just for once it doesn't look like a mug shot.  My knees go weak when he so much as looks at me, and being introduced to others as his girlfriend is a rush of epic proportions.  When he talks about our getting married or calls me his future wife, I literally get dizzy.  He is so good to me and so good for me.  He is the first thought on my mind when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep.

On 11/11/11 at 11:11 a.m., we held hands and made a wish.  He asked me what mine was and I told him I couldn't tell him because it might not come true but it involved him.  He said his involved me too, even though his wish had already come true.

He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  He is my life, my love, my family, my best friend and the man with whom I am supposed to spend my life.

During the summer of 2011, I opined that we didn't 'have a song' and we needed one that could be 'our song'.  He's not into music at all, so all he said was, 'We do, huh?'  There are the obvious songs: "You Made Me So Very Happy" by Blood, Sweat & Tears is a good one.  "I Never Wanted" by Captain & Tenille, "Alive Again" by Chicago and "Lay Your Hands On Me" by the Thompson Twins are pretty applicable too.  All great songs and lyrics, but which remind me of different things (my cousins at my parents' beach house in the early 70's, fall of 1975, Christmas 1978 and college, respectively), and I wanted a song that reminded me of him, and us.  I don't listen to much in the way of new music, but every now and then I hear something I like that's new'ish.  

I first heard parts of "Show Me What I'm Looking For", by Carolina Liar, in a promo for some USA Network show....can't remember which one it is now, but I liked the tune and it was one of the few commercials I didn't automatically mute.  Hadn't heard it much since those promos, except occasionally on JACK-FM and I'd turn it up because it was catchy. 

However, I started hearing this song more and more during 2011.  The first time it made an impression on me was when I visited the Cape in March.  I was in a restaurant with my squeeze on his birthday, and it was on their sound system.  I didn't know any of the lyrics at the time except the chorus, but I knew it would forever remind me of that amazing afternoon at Scusset Beach, and  those precious few days with him.  I also recall hearing it a couple of times in restaurants and/or supermarkets on our trip across the country too, specifically in a Safeway in Bozeman, Montana where we'd stopped to get ice, snacks and sandwiches.  It seemed like it was following us, but I was too busy to think on it much.

A few weeks later, I heard "Show Me What I'm Looking For" again somewhere and I flashed back on the March trip, looking up at his adorable smiling face, drowning in his big blue eyes, our cross country odyssey...(yeah, yeah I know, sappy or what? But hey that's OK, I'm in love and not afraid to shout it from the rooftops).  All that remained was reading the lyrics to see if they were applicable to a relationship.  After I read them I realized it's not only 'our song', it's also my theme song for 2011 starting from the second he first contacted me a year ago today. The parts about 'finding it hard to resist' and 'I'll pay any cost' really hit home.  I paid a high price, with many sacrifices, which I willingly made for him.  I confess, the song makes me weep, but not in a bad way.  Because he saved me.

Wait, I'm wrong

Should've done better than this

Please, I'll be strong

I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost

Oh lord I've been waiting for you

I'll pay any cost

Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for

Show me what I'm looking for

Don't let go

I've wanted this far too long

Mistakes become regrets

I've learned to love abuse

Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost

Oh lord I've been waiting for you

I'll pay any cost

Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for

Show me what I'm looking for


Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for....

I love you my sweet Bear.  Forever.

2011: What a Year!!

As it turns out, I was, indeed, surrounded by assholes.  At work, at home, on my commute.  I've been off the anti-depressants for 5 months now, and it feels soooo good to be free of them.  I don't miss work and the hell that came with working in family law. Self-esteem hasn't been an issue since I got together with my man.  He is so, so good for me.  I've never felt so good about myself in my life.  No one has ever loved me as much as he does, and I've never loved anyone as much as I do him.  I'm so happy and it feels good.

Last December 31st, I did a '2010: Year in Review' HERE.  I was re-reading it, to see what I had to say about 2010, and my hopes and/or goals for 2011.  It was clear my depression was still extremely bad, and I'd lost all hope for any happiness.  The last paragraph of that new years post hit me pretty hard:

"I continue to hope that 2011 will be a better year, but it's getting really hard to psyche myself up for it and be hopeful. I am reluctant to list things I'd like to accomplish in 2011, because at this point, I'm just taking each day as it comes.  Thinking about the future is impossible because life is throwing way too many curve balls.  I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed.  All I can do is just keep playing everything by ear, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst..."  

Well I definitely never saw a complete and utter 'do-over' of my life in the cards for 2011!!

I try not to let myself think about my old life very much.  It's still too weird for me to deal with yet.  I can't even look at the pictures I shot there over the years, esp. pics from this spring when I was trying to see as much as possible before the move.  The stuff that makes me the saddest is when I remember our first few Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays in that house....the fun, joy, decorating, baking, traditions.  We were really happy there at first.  We'd moved to Washington  in 1999 to start over, after a very challenging last couple of years in California. But it all started falling apart again in 2006 and went downhill on skis from there.  Holiday traditions began to be abandoned bit by bit. Apathy, depression and indifference set in.  He kept going to the bar more and more and I stopped caring, and, in fact I relished having the house to myself for a change while he was out of the house. Yeah we still had a few laughs, and I tried so hard to be positive and ignore what was happening around me.  The clusterfuck disaster that was 2009.  How much I truly hated my job. The crushing resentment that I was carrying us financially for years while he went to the bar night after night.  'Existing' became the name of the game.  "I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed."  Isn't that a telling statement?!

Then all of a sudden this window of opportunity opened for a do-over on life and I seized it, terrifying as it may be at this age.

I was definitely dead inside, this time last year.  But I was willing to continue plodding on at a job I had come to loathe.  I loved my boss and my coworker/friend, but it was the same shit day after day.  The same clients unable to behave like adults, the same work over and over, the same crappy commute every day.  The same stressful life at home, trying to make ends meet on one salary.  Me doing all the breadwinning, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, etc etc etc.  I was too scared to end it, and it was just easier & convenient to keep the status quo than to actually do something about it.  My sweetie gave me the strength to leave.

As happy as I am and as amazing as this year has been, 2011 came with it's fair share of challenges too.        Saying goodbye to my beloved Sagan broke my heart.  Ending a 22 year marriage, quitting my job and moving 3,000 miles home was extremely difficult and I am eternally grateful to all of my friends (and you know who you are) for holding my hand, calling me, sending encouraging emails, and making sure I kept focused and my 'eye on the prize'.  My mom is in failing health.  Friends of both of our families passed away suddenly in Oct., Nov. and Dec. We also had to deal with hiding an intense & long distance relationship for 6 months and his psycho ex-girlfriend (and her equally psycho friend) who tried in vain to break us up last spring.  The truly ironic thing is that he and I kind of owe her a 'thank you', b/c she's the one that talked him into getting the computer & joining Facebook, and the first thing he did was try to find me!  lol

When I think of all the things that had to fall into place exactly right in order for my life to do a complete 180, it blows my mind.  He got a computer for one reason and ended up using it for another.  He didn't want to tell me how he felt, especially since I'd lied and  told him that I was happily married for 22 years.  He confessed to his best friend how he felt and she pushed him to tell me, just to see what would happen.  I am eternally grateful to her for that; we both are.  Ultimately the decision was up to me.  "Should I stay or should I go now...."

Other highlights of this year include having success at my first craft show in November, the trip to Maine and getting to see my bff Michelle, Gene's Christmas party, Barit's Christmas Open House, getting to see my cousin Sharon after her heart surgery instead of just calling/texting/emailing, seeing Diane & the kids when they come up from Maryland, reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, having time to beach comb, walk Pepper and shoot lots of pictures and rediscovering all that this region has to offer.  It's nice to be so close to the water again.  Yeah I lived near Puget Sound and all, but it's not the same as being on the coast, which was a 3-4 hour drive from my house in Washington.  I can go a few miles in any direction and be on the water.  I can walk to Buttermilk Bay Beach from my house.  That's a huge plus.

I lived on the west coast for a long time; I was 24 when I moved there, so we're talking almost a lifetime. And considering I really have no cognitive memories of ages 1 through 6, the 2+ decades spent on the west coast is more than a lifetime.  It's hard to compartmentalize that much time, routine and memories, and move them into the filing cabinet of my brain, especially when I'm surrounded by so many of the trinkets and souvenirs from that time period.  This is a totally new phase and I'm still adjusting to it.  Last December 31st I never in a million years thought I'd fall madly in love with a former classmate, leave my marriage, quit my career,  drive across the country and move back to Cape Cod.  It's 1989 in reverse and that's one of the things that weirds me out.  Talk about bookending a life! The only difference between 1989 and 2011 is that back then, I wanted, and planned, to quit my career, drive across the country and move to San Francisco.  It was going to be a solo move, but then Brian and I got together and eloped after 2 months, so he went too.  On 12/31/88, I knew that I'd be on the west coast by mid-89.  On 12/31/10, I had zero inkling that I'd move, and back to the Cape of all places, by mid-11.  Sharon still enjoys teasing me, "'I'm never moving back to the Cape.  Nope. NOT. EVER.'  Hmm....so what happened to that one, Jo?"  Never say never.

Starting over at our ages of 47 and 49 is one scary-ass prospect.  It was a 'devil-may-care' & exciting adventure at age 24, but now it's terrifying.  But I say that with humour, I really do.  There's no one else I'd rather embark on this new phase than with my man.  It's so great to see old friends and have new laughs with them. We went to a Christmas party in early December and I was surrounded by so many people from Sandwich High School that it blew my mind.  It was at my friend Gene's house; a house which I literally grew up in, as our parents were (and still are) very close (my parents are his godparents).  So many memories of visiting them on Christmas Eve in the 70's, after 5:00 p.m. Mass, when we were children. And the parties his parents threw in those days!  Wall-to-wall adults in the house and everyone's kids outside playing.  It was a little surreal being there again; this time we are the adults socializing inside, and a new generation of kids was running through the house like we did 35-40 years ago.

I look over this past year with wonder.  I can't believe all this stuff happened to me; it's like watching someone else's life unfold.  All I know is, I must've done something really great karma-wise to have all these amazing things happen to me this year.  The only black mark on it is that I miss Sagan very, very much.  On some level I really thought that I'd see him again.  I figured that, by now, I would have flown him east and he'd be with me and Pepper.  That's been the hardest part of this entire move, leaving behind my beloved dog.  He is so sweet and I miss him so much, and just thinking about him makes me cry.  I miss giving him snuggles and cuddles. I miss how he'd dive halfway onto my couch and bury his head under my arm, then rest it on my lap.  I miss seeing him being goofy...this 90 lb German shepherd playing like a little puppy, rolling around on his back and grunting with a squeak toy in his mouth, then when he saw me staring at him and laughing he'd stop squirming, leap up and run over to me for a cuddle.  I can only hope that he is being well cared for, as there is zero contact between Brian and I.  Some of my friends are FB friends with him and will inquire how Sagan is doing, just to let me know, and I appreciate that.

As I said I don't miss work, but I do miss the generous Christmas bonus I used to get each year.  I really looked forward to my annual January and February online shopping sprees and trip to the annual Palmer Wirfs Antique Show & Sale in Puyallup.  Ah well.  I certainly don't need anymore 'stuff'.  I have boxes that haven't been unpacked as it is, and no room for anymore knick knacks.  The other day I was surfing around on all my fave shopping websites, just to see what's new, what I might have wanted, what I might possibly be able to afford.  I surprised myself by not finding much, if anything.  There are a couple of beaded cross stitch kits, but that's about it.  I have all the art supplies I could ever want.....I ordered a ton of stuff after last Christmas before I decided to move, and I never got the opportunity to use them b/c I was too busy packing.  I still love to look at antique beaded purses, but I have nearly all my collection in an acid-free box b/c they were deteriorating out in the open all those years, so I can't even display them.  It would be nice to have a little extra money for us to take a trip, or buy a sectional reclining couch unit so that we can actually sit together, but that will come in time.

2011 was quite a year, yes indeed.  One I'll not soon forget.  The year that I got my life back, the year that I found my soulmate and the love of my life, the year that I finally pulled out of a decade of depression and hopelessness.  I know that whenever you have a good year, a bad year often follows.....that's just the cycle of life.

Who knows what 2012 will bring? But at least I feel better prepared for it, now that I have a loving man and lots of friends by my side.  I don't make resolutions, so all I'm gonna do is continue to try and build a better me.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Crawling Towards December 31st; Battered, Beaten and Bloody

Like most people, I try to look at January 1st as a chance to turn things around.  Finally gonna do this or that.  I make a half hearted attempt and usually abandon my quests by early spring.  That's why I don't make resolutions.  I try to start the new year off with a positive outlook with high hopes that maybe this is the year

Bran will get work, maybe this will be the year our country turns itself around, maybe humanity will start working together.  Call it the 60's/Deadhead in me.

Unfortunately, these days, by the time late December rolls around, I feel like I've been beaten, mentally, emotionally and physically, into an exhausted, apathetic pulp, as I crawl towards another new year.  That said, I do try to project a positive attitude and spin on things because, let's face it, if I didn't, I would be huddled in a corner, completely catatonic.  If I let all the stressors in my life, all those really annoying "what ifs" that can drive me into a panic attack, get to me, I'll be in a bad way.  2009 is proof positive of that.  Worst. Year. Ever.  Compared to 2009, 2010 was a way better year, even if finances are getting very tight and work is 100x more intense and crazy.  But that's a sign of the times too.  Life just sucks right now, for everyone, everywhere.  People are pissed off and taking it out on everyone around them.  

I'm going back over my post from this time last year, with all the things I wanted to accomplish in 2010.  I actually did get my business started and have made a few sales on Etsy, which is cool.  I consider that one a huge accomplishment...for me anyway.  I said I wanted to start cooking more, and I guess I have but not like I used to back in California.  The bottom line is that I'm just too damn tired when I get home from work to bother.  Didn't really take many walks like I wanted to, but as I recall the weather this year wasn't actually conducive to it either.  I did spend a ton of time making stuff this year, both during lunch at work and on the weekends.  

I also wanted to get out more and see people.  That one didn't work out as well as I wanted but only because everyone, including myself, has a schedule and they don't all jibe.  And on the weekends I just don't feel like getting in the car and driving long distances.  I'm so tired by week's end.  I did get to see my dear friend Joe, from high school, in July up in Seattle, which also gave me the opportunity to finally play tourist.  And I got Victoria out of my system (for now) and had a great time with Moriah at dinner & Ghostly Walks.  Plus I went to Mt. Rainier in the summer and that was well worth it.  

I did way more blogging this year and that's been a great outlet for me.  My muse left me in 2009, but it returned last year.  I'd like to thank my photographer blogging friends for showing me new ways to view the world, and my photography has started to transform.  It amazes me the new frontiers that digital photography has opened.  I resisted it at first, big time.  I swore I would never stop shooting film.  I was too much of a film snob purist to use digital.  Unfortunately with film, you only have a set number of pictures you can take, so you really only get one opportunity to take a decent photo, and you can't take a ton of photos of just one thing either.  Digital has made it so that I can spend a couple of hours window shopping in Sumner, but take more than 90 photographs.  That'd be like shooting 3 rolls of 36 exposure film, which is something I've never done, nor would it have ever occurred to me to do on a short shopping trip.  Back in the 80's, when I was still vacationing in San Francisco before moving there, I marveled at the time I shot 6+ rolls of film in a week!  SIX!!!!  This year I went to Victoria and shot nearly 500 photos in less than 36 hours.

And then there's the whole 'instant gratification' factor, which is a huge plus, because I am an instant gratification kind of gal.  Gone are the days of filling out your film envelope, dropping it off, and picking up the pictures later on. often days later.  Now I shoot them and have them uploaded and on line like that *snaps fingers*, in less than an hour.  I can tweak them if the colour is off or the exposure is too light/dark.  I can look at them whenever I want.  I just had the Victoria photos processed and am finding that putting them into a hard-copy photo album is a real chore.  Of course I can't just put pictures in an album like normal people.  No no no.  My Craft OCD dictates that each page be a work of art.  So I'm over there cropping pics, working up a layout, seeing what stickers and travel-related doo dads I can add, whilst grumbling about all the other craft projects I want to start and get to.  It's freakin WORK, you guys!  Seriously!  I have scads photos to go through and put into that album, and I'm only about 100 in.  As Dorothy Gale once said, "I'm frightened, Auntie Em!!!"  I just got some really cool new ephemera, plus my new beads, and want to get to another altered book.  Not sure what it will be yet, but they always manage to evolve on their own.  So many crafts!  So little time!!

Overall 2010 was a more productive year, but we are still in a precarious financial situation right now.  I'm using my Christmas & b-day money to buy the craft supplies I want since it's not in the budget at all for next year.  And I also finally sucked it up and got a medicine cabinet at Home Depot, a store that really intimidates me.  I have always found the floor help to not be quite as helpful as the commercials portray, if you can even find anyone to help you at all.

New Years Eve has always made me feel melancholy.  I used to weep at midnight whenever they'd show Guy Lombardo leading his orchestra through Auld Lang Syne.  It makes me cry at the end of "It's a Wonderful Life" too.  Midnight on NYE , for me, was somewhat depressing and lonely because I was usually alone, as my parents always went out with their friends, leaving me in the care of a babysitter.  When I got older my cousin Diane used to spend the night and we'd tape the Top 100 hits of the year off WRKO and have Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve on the TV downstairs.  We'd watch the ball drop in NYC and I would choke back tears.  I hated it that time was marching on, and the fun holidays were over and now it was just another slog through another depressing January.  It was even worse once I was home from college on break.  The loneliness was crushing.   Only once I went to a party during those college years.  NYE was way more fun and less lonely after college when I was out on my own and especially after I moved to California.

I continue to hope that 2011 will be a better year, but it's getting really hard to psyche myself up for it and be hopeful. I am reluctant to list things I'd like to accomplish in 2011, because at this point, I'm just taking each day as it comes.  Thinking about the future is impossible because life is throwing way too many curve balls.  I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed.  All I can do is just keep playing everything by ear, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.  That's life in the 21st century, I guess.

So I leave you with one of the few New Years pop songs that I can remember, one I love:  George Harrison's "Ding Dong Ding Dong".  Happy New Year everyone!  Ring out the old, ring in the new!