Mt. Rainier and Lenticular Clouds - Dec. 2008 copyright: JMM

February 14, 2011

Blah Blah Blah

I was over on Sugar Mag's blog earlier and she was talking about having the February blues.  I'm not one who is affected by SAD, but I am feeling a bit bored, restless and unable to concentrate on anything too.  I tried making jewelry over the weekend but was not into that either. Nothing's sold on Etsy in awhile but I haven't really done much to promote it. I'm between craft projects and between books.  I have had a lot on my mind lately.  A LOT.  It will become clear in a few months, but I am unable to do anything right now and that's part of my restlessness. I'm the world's most impatient person and so this goes against my nature.  It's also why I can't concentrate on anything.  Crafts, my job, every day life....can't do it.  Too preoccupied.  Don't know what to blog about right now, and the thing I need to blog about and get off my chest, I can't.  Yet. 

I had to take my camera to be cleaned at the camera shop in Lakewood, and despite being told it would be ready on Saturday, they neglected to tell me that they meant 'late afternoon'.  So I went out there when they opened for nothing.  I was pretty pissed.  Sunday was a really nice, clear and warm day too.  I wanted to go down to Mount St. Helens but w/o a camera, it's not worth the 200+ mile round trip drive.  I was hoping to go next weekend since I'm off for 4 days but the snow level is dropping so looks like I won't be taking any day trips next weekend either.  Trapped again.

38 more days till my trip back to Cape Cod.  That should be very interesting.  I just hope it doesn't snow.  I am really, really looking forward to the trip though.  This is the first time I can ever remember being stoked about heading east.  It'll be fun to see my old friends & my family.   Not to thrilled with the airport security procedures, but at least I can fly in comfortable first class. 

My job is getting more and more stressful.  All we do now is go to trial.  We seem to have a trial every week.  Half the time we can't get a Courtroom and we have to 'trail' for 4 days, which means we have to do all the trial prep, all the copying of exhibits and writing the legal memorandum and stuff, then my boss goes down to the Courthouse to sit around and wait for a Judge.  Most of the time the date gets set over, but we still have to go through all the machinations, just in case he does go out on the first or second day.  All anyone wants to do is fight.  The lawyers are fighting, their clients are fighting and no one wants to give an inch to the other side, so we go right up to trial.  There are some very, very damaged children out there, thanks to their parents' selfishness and using the kids as pawns in their sick little games.  We have so many high maintenance clients.  I just can't stand my job anymore.  I like the writing and all, but it's the constant demands that are made on us, as if each person thinks they are our only client.  I'm sick of being screamed at b/c phone calls & emails aren't being returned immediately.  Sometimes I think "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve is my theme song.

I get home at night and I'm so tired, but I try to sleep and I can't turn my brain off.  I can't eat.  My heart pounds so loud and so fast, it feels like it's going to come out of my chest.  I think I need to have a good cry but I can't even manage that.  I need peace and quiet.  I'm sick of noise and stress.   I never ever get the house to myself, yet I feel so alone.  It's all I can do to keep from running.  Far away.  Fight or flight is kicking in again and I'm having a hard time fighting.  I'm exhausted and I want to give up, but I can't, not now.  I've been freefalling into an abyss for such a long time, but it's coming to an end soon.  The light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train after all, but I still have a ways to go before I get there.  So every time I feel like this, I listen to "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, and they're never gonna keep me down..."  Makes me feel better to have a rallying cry I guess.  I've always drawn strength from music and lyrics that mean something to me.  

Maybe I'll make a mix tape, since it's clear I won't be going to sleep any time soon tonite, despite my utter exhaustion.  

12 comments:

  1. I feel I need to address your unhappiness. I feel bad for you JoJo. Life has a way of making us feel ragged. It's good to have something to look forward to. I'm glad you're able to return East and be surrounded by those that love you and can uplift you.
    For the last 7 years or so I have been effected by SAD. Every February in creeps up on me. Last Monday was a terrible day. Last February at this time I discovered the wide world of Vincent on the internet so that helped a lot but this year even with my Vincent Prozac I have deep feelings of depression of time. I look forward to longer days and the first signs of spring.

    Your last paragraph was very poetic, you are very talented when it comes to expressing yourself.
    So put a record on and feel better! .

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  2. Let's hope spring brings some 'light relief' to those who need it. I always think the bit between New Year and Easter is soul-sapping, even when everything is going 'right' (whatever that means!).

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  3. You are getting yelled at at work? Oh yuck I'm sorry. No one deserves that. Going to Cape Cod sounds so nice and it sounds like you need it! If you pass through Illinois at some point I would love to meet.

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  4. jojo, despite what you've stated, i know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. i'm inpatient, too, but i just keep telling myself that, yep, alot of doors have closed, but a door just has to open up real soon. and it's the same for you.
    just know that there are alot of people pulling for you.

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  5. I'm not a SAD sufferer either, but this year for the first time I have REALLY had enough of winter. I think it's getting up at dawn every single day in freezing conditions to see to the chickies.

    I hope you get your va-va-voom back soon. And did you ever find a way for me to pay you so I can buy that necklace?

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  6. Just keep your eye on that ball. You know which one I am referring to.
    And for fucks sake, if you need to get anything "off your chest"....you know where to find Dr Axe ;-)

    I can absolutely relate to that feeling of apprehension and not being able to switch off when you try to sleep, babe.
    That feeling I always speak of about running into the woods? I know that is how you feel. You have a destiny and you know what and where it is, but you are forced to wait and every day is just hell you find you had gotten used to before you "woke up" and now its unbearable.

    Just you keep your eye on that goal, baby!!! I love ya!

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  7. I appreciate your candor very much. Like the others, I have had enough of the bad weather which doesn't bode well for any sense and/or hope of being uplifted. I thought it ironic that your camera and camera shop had an "err of ways" in not coming together. Almost as if you aren't supposed to take a picture of the mountains but instead deal with the mountains you are now finding yourself climbing. And, the fact that you have expressed what you are going through publicly on your blog shows you are reaching out. Remember that there are those of us that would gladly be behind you to push you over that mountain and more still that have made it to the other side. You have touched us all in many ways and the natural response is for us to help return you to that place which makes you happy. You need only ask...

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  8. I'm sorry about the work being so stressful thing. I can relate. Can't stand family work personally and gave it up ages ago.

    Eliot was wrong. April isn't the cruellest month. It's February.

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  9. Forgot to ay that Chumbawumba are quality. Come from the same town as me :D

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  10. I understand how you feel. I've felt like that since before Christmas. I'm tired just can't get myself to care enough about anything.

    Here's hoping things will get better for you and me and everyone else having a rough start to 2011.

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  11. Man do I empathize. It' sucks to hate your job or the people you have to deal with at your job...

    I'm sending you all the peaceful energy I can spare.
    xo

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  12. Thanks you guys. I appreciate your support so much.

    I'm in a state of flux right now, but I am definitely keeping focused on my new goals in life.

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