Mt. Rainier and Lenticular Clouds - Dec. 2008 copyright: JMM

March 15, 2010

Friendship

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that my friends are the most important thing to me in the world. I am loyal to the end and will stick up for my friends if I feel they are being shit on.
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That said, I also understand that due to the transient nature of our society, friendships come and go. You meet someone, you hang out, someone changes jobs and you gradually lose touch over time. I get that completely.
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I also understand that sometimes the chemistry isn't right anymore, and there comes a time when the sun has to set on a friendship's day in the sun. Back in California, I had to jettison a couple of friends, one because he was so unbelievably needy that he called us multiple times a day and when he came over, he'd pretty much dictate what we watched, did and ate. It was annoying as hell. The other friendship was much sadder for me to lose, but we'd reached a crossroads in our friendship and I just didn't think that she and I were ever going to be on the same page. I wrote a very painful letter telling her I was sorry, but it was time for us to go our separate ways, for many, many reasons which I won't go into here as they are irrelevant and happened a long time ago. She was surprised, but appreciated the truth and wished me well.
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Last spring I did a blog post, which I have since deleted, about a person from my high school who contacted me on FB. He and I chatted for awhile and I found out that I'd hurt his feelings by blowing him off in school. I told him that I wasn't blowing him off, he just scared me b/c he was always getting in trouble and I just wanted to stay out of his way. Since then, I thought he and I had cultivated a new friendship, all these years later. He is very much like Brian in a lot of ways, and those 2 hit it off and became FB friends as well. This guy has even called into both of Brian's Blog Talk Radio shows, Shakedown Street and The Free World Pub. They tease each other like only guys do, on their FB pages. It was really amusing for awhile. He'd call us on the weekends to chit chat and so forth.
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Then yesterday, this so-called 'friend' took a really, really nasty shot at me. He referred to me as 'livestock'. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. Brian didn't see the comment, but I told him about it. I saw Brian's face change from his amused anticipation of the return funny comment to absolute rage. He posted a comment back to this person, telling him that he's going to punch his face in for it. The guy didn't take it seriously and continued to try to joke w/ him. It lead to Brian leaving a very angry comment about it being completely unacceptable to take a cheap shot at his wife like that and it wouldn't be tolerated. Brian then unfriended him. He was really pissed, and went to the local watering hole to cool down. He told me not to answer if this person called. Well, right after Brian left, the phone rang and it was the guy. I didn't answer. Brian said 2 more calls came in today, and he's in the process of blocking the phone number. Brian told me that the unwritten rule with guys is you never take shots at their significant others or mothers, and it wouldn't be tolerated, and more than anything, that guy owes me an apology BIG TIME.
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I haven't heard from him on my FB page as yet; but I haven't been online since Sunday afternoon. I'm sure I'll be accused of not being able to take a joke or whatever, but it really really hurt that he called me livestock. I don't think he'd call any of the other women from our high school, with whom he is friends, a name like that, esp. not to their husband or boyfriend. It's amazing how all these years later, when you think the "high school stuff" has stopped and people grow up, comments like that just cut to the core. I'm not sure what I am going to do at this point. I am generally a pretty forgiving person and I just hate conflict. I guess it depends on if I get an apology and if I believe it to be sincere.
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The other issue I have been having with 'friendship' is with someone who I thought was my BFF. Most of my readers will know who I am talking about without my naming her, but it's someone with whom I traveled, both in 2007 and 2008. I posted lots of pics from our adventures. After our trip in 2008, she stopped keeping in touch. I know she's busy, and the end of '08 was pretty messed up for me as well. I got no b-day card or holiday card from her, which is fine b/c I realize people don't send cards like I do. Months and months dragged on. Still no email, no phone calls. I sent a birthday card and she called me at the end of March, 2009. That's the absolute last I heard from her till the other day when I got a friend request from her on FB. I hesitated, but then accepted it. She said she felt like a "real loser" for losing contact with me and we'd chat real soon, and I stopped short of writing, "don't do me any favors and why did you blow me off?" on her Wall. 2009 was the worst year of my life. I really could have used another friend, esp. one who was more local than anyone else... at least someone in the same time zone as me! People who have never met me in person were there for me all year long, but someone I thought I could count on, someone I thought was a BFF, totally blew me off. She stopped reading my blog, which annoyed me too. Just b/c she wasn't interested in VDO anymore didn't mean she had to blow off my blog. I bowed out of the VDO posts fairly early on, b/c others do them so much better than I do, and I'd rather have them provide the quality VDO blog posts than my boring static photos of him. I'm not competitive that way at all.
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I'm sure you are going to ask why I just didn't contact her? Well, you know, I get really damn tired of always being the one trying to stay in touch. I reach a point where I stop and wait for them to take the lead for once. Besides, b/c she's always busy after work and on weekends, it was always our MO for her to call me b/c I am always home. I think we were in contact a little bit prior to Xmas of 2008, b/c she was having relationship troubles and calling me in tears, asking for advice, forwarding emails from the guy to me to read, so I could tell her if she should read them. But when the chips were down for me, where was she?
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If she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, all she had to do was tell me. But I really never expected her to completely blow me off without an email or phone call or anything at all. And that's what really hurts b/c I try to be such a good and loyal friend to everyone. I try to be kind, supportive, funny and thoughtful. I guess I just didn't expect to be blindsided by the guy from high school and my former BFF.
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I guess I found out who my real friends are.

10 comments:

  1. Oh JOjo.That guy is an asshole.What a mean thing to say!Jerk.I'm with Brian on this.

    And the other friend.Well,I know how you feel and it fucking sucks.Sucks to have people drop away for no reason and to be the one who ALWAYS makes the first move.

    Did I mention that I have endless phone minutes?If it costs you then just tell me when to call and I will call-so we both keep our money.

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  2. Wow, what a jerk! I agree he owes you a huge apology. Even then I'd feel weird about the whole thing. There's humor and then there's just rude.

    I have to admit to sometimes dropping the ball with people. I don't do it intentionally, though, and I may let months go by but I always stop by and say hello I'm alive at some point. Or call if I know them in real life.

    I don't get people just not responding, either. If I did something they didn't like, it would be nice to at least be told. Otherwise I do things like worry if they're horribly ill or something and unable to contact me. At least if I know what the problem is I can try and see if it can't be fixed.

    I hope things get resolved with your friend but considering what he said, I don't know if I'd hold my breath.

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  3. Where does he get off talking about you like that? No apology can ever repair the damage. I know, too, how the other person's behaviour upset you. I don't like getting ignored that way either.

    I stayed friends with my ex-husband for more than 20 years after our divorce. Shortly after he'd bent my ear for ages one Saturday night (when he was a little the worse for drink) about his latest new love, I phoned him with good news about my family history research. He was out and I left a message. Nothing. A couple of weeks later I did the same again. Nothing. The next message told him what he could do with his friendship.

    I actually thought he might apologise, but I never heard from him again. Good riddance to him and all the jerks who don't deserve us.

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  4. There are some people you are definitely better off without. I too have friends who, when I see them say 'Why haven't you been in touch?!' I see, so my phone line/email only go one way huh?! ;0)

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  5. The exchange that took place b/t Brian and the guy started off as funny, good natured guy ragging.

    Brian made a comment like, 'come on [name], you never share your livestock with me". The return comment from the guy was, "that's not true, I've shared Jo with you. Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now." So he KNEW he was going to get in trouble for that comment. I was pretty devastated. I'm so sensitive about my weight and for him to compare me to livestock really devastated what little self esteem I have left. This is exactly the reason I avoided this guy in school. He's always had a big mouth and his behavior was always so erratic.

    He still hasn't commented or sent me a message on my FB page.

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  6. The facebook guy is a Horribly rude, insensitive Idiot...

    I had a very good friend (at least I thought we were good friends) who just stopped talking to me one day. She wouldn't return my phone calls, and when I did run into her again she just turned and walked the other way. To this day I still don't know what happened, but I've come to the conclusion that people like that are toxic, and it's a good thing she's not in my life anymore.

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  7. I'm not surprised you feel hurt about what that a**hole said...I would too.There was absolutely no call for it at all!

    I know friendships come and go because people have their own problems to deal with, and I haven't always been very good at keeping in touch with people when I've had too much going on at home, but I would still hope we could connect again somehow..and so far we have. But, in reaf life, some of them just aren't worth dealing with, especially if it is all about them all the time..friendship is a two-way street after all. Hope you resolve everything to YOUR satisfaction!

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  8. Well, the fact that he hasn't reached by now speaks volumes. If he hadn't meant to be hurtful he would have immediately reached out and said something. What a jerk!

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  9. UPDATE: I sent him a quick message yesterday telling him he was out of line and hurt my feelings, and I received a very heartfelt apology last night, as well as one on my FB wall, and I have forgiven him. I do believe that he is sincere when he said he never meant it that way, but in rereading what was written, he sees now what a fuck up he made. It was supposed to be a shot at Brian, not at me, but saw how easily misinterpreted it was. He didn't even realize that it was me who was angry and hurt, he thought it was just Brian who was upset.

    Brian, on the other hand, has not and now he's mad at ME b/c I forgave the guy. What can I say, I've known him (not well) since elementary school, so we're talking 35-40 years.

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  10. (((((jojo)))))

    we have an expression here -"there's nowt as strange as folk" and friendships can be most strange!

    i'm glad you're friends again - he made a stupid mistake and you're the better person for forgiving him - hope brian can now find it in his heart to forgive you - oy!

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