And so I bring you Volume I of ads from 1964:
Dream puff panties. There's something kind of sick about how this ad reads, "Sweet as sugar candy, that's new candy-stripe Dream Puff Panties." I mean are they edible or what? And again with the kiddie porn drawing. Oh, then check out the ad below it for Empire Baby Pants! These are the styles they come in: Bloomer, Snap-On and Rhumba. Rhumba. What the fuck is that? Baby pants for a dancing baby? Did my mother make me wear rhumba style baby pants? I'm not at all comfortable with the level of kiddie porn in this next one. I can't quite tell but it looks like the woman is a bride? Or a lady wearing a frilly nightie? Imagine her husband's shock when she strips down to reveal this stunning and attractive girdle. I'm not sure he'll be able to get it up ever again. Oh and dig the tag line, "Perma-life knows what it means to be a woman."
Do they now?! Apparently they have "a patented Magic Oval Panty that keeps a Perma-life panty from riding up, from binding, from yanking down....from doing all the things you wish a panty wouldn't.' Those naughty, naughty panties. I can't tell you how many times I day my panties suddenly, out of nowhere, just yank down. It's really quite annoying. Eat your heart out, Victoria's Secret....oh honey, peel me a grape. Come hither my little pomegranate and allow me to serenade you.
"What you feel in a Warner's isn't the girdle". Eegads. That's just wrong.
Here's the description. "Decorative and dangerous. The double derriere panel and unique Warners construction supply that makes any woman feel dangerous."
I'm keeping my bouffant stiff and erect AND destroying the ozone layer at the same time! How efficient am I?! "And it never leaves that stiff and sticky look." Too....many....jokes.....
Can you imagine having to sit under one of these every morning in order to dry your hair before work? And look, she's on the telephone as well. WOW! It's even got a quiet, lightweight, portable motor that you can strap to your waist. And let's not forget the smart, white case for storage and travel! Could you imagine taking one of these portable hair dryers in your checked luggage on a plane in 2007? The Dept. of Homeland Security would probably keep the flight from leaving and evacuate the plane, then they'd have one of those robotic bomb thingies maneuver up to it and blow it up on the tarmac. And I can't tell, does the giant clock radio come with it too?
"Just what has gelatine to do with beauty?" I'll bite, what does gelatin have to do with beauty? Apparently unflavored gelatin is not only good for cooking, but fingernails, hair and dieting. You drink one envelope mixed with water an hour before a meal and voila! No more hunger! Gag. Oh wait, I have to go make some jello parfaits, soak my fingernails in the leftovers then pour it on my head to achieve the groovy "That Girl!" look in the picture.