I have absolutely zero interest in doing a '2009 year in review' because I am going to do my utmost to forget 2009. The less said about it, the better. Not only was it shitty for us, but it was shitty for everyone. I'm just glad we survived it. I haven't written in my journal since the end of March, except for one entry I made in August that said that I wasn't going to write until something good happened. Needless to say, I haven't written since then. You know the cartoon of the man crawling across the desert? His eyes are huge and have dark circles, his clothes in tatters, his hair disheveled, crawling towards an oasis in the distance. That's how I feel right now as we end the year from hell.
In an effort to put the year to rest, I've already transferred all pertinent dates to our new 2010 calendar and hung it up. I got the photos on my camera processed and have reformatted the chip so that it's completely empty. Later on tonight, after Brian goes to bed and while I'm waiting for the pre- and midnight cacophony of fireworks to begin, I'll put all the pictures into my photo album as the old year draws to a close. I've put away the holiday wrapping paper and bows. I didn't put up any holiday decorations so that's not an issue.
I am too afraid to have high hopes for 2010. I went into 2009 with such a positive attitude. We thought Brian was a shoe-in for that job in Puyallup and we were about to inaugurate our first African-American President and I had a lot of hope. Then it all went to hell.
I don't make New Years resolutions because I can't keep them. But something has got to change. That's crystal clear. I am going to have to figure out a way to take my life back. Things have spun so far out of control. I'm so tired all the time but I can't continue to give into it, and vegetate on the couch all day playing on Facebook. It's one thing when I'm on the couch and colouring, because that's one of my hobbies, but my mind turns to mush after a few hours on Facebook and then I get caught up playing Spider Solitaire and next thing I know, 5 hours have gone by. But if I am ever going to pull the trigger on this Etsy thing, I am going to have to get my ass in gear. Next week I will start the process of getting my resale license with the State and securing the Tahoma Beadworks name with the Secretary of State, then start making time to create jewelry on the weekends.
The other thing I have got to get back to doing is cooking. I used to make the most amazing vegetarian meals back in California and our first years here. Hearty soups that lasted for days which I could take to work for lunch, instead of having to shell out money for those expensive but convenient Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones frozen lunches. I would make a large pot of soup on Sunday afternoon. I'd also prepare all the veggies and stuff for future meals during the week when I got home from work. Delicious pasta dishes and salads. A couple hours of chopping & storing on Sunday made for decent & nutritious meals during the week. Neither of us can afford to keep eating junk for dinner. My cholesterol was higher than I am comfortable with, and Brian is diabetic. A typical dinner for us is: melted cheddar cheese in a whole wheat pita pocket, or a bowl of cereal, for me, and popcorn or pb&j for him. Not too smart.
I can't and won't make the 'exercise' promise and/or resolution b/c the bottom line is, I just hate it. I can work out for months and I never get used to it, I never look forward to it, and I hate every single minute of it. I am so self conscious and feel like a complete loser when I'm there. I want to walk Pepper more often, but Brian never feels like going for a walk and I feel bad leaving Sagan at home, but I can't handle both of them. He's way too strong and tends to lunge when he sees something he wants to investigate. So I am going to play that by ear.
The other thing I want to do this year is get out of the house and SEE somebody. I feel so isolated from my friends, and I have a lot of them, it's just they just live all around the world. People that I really care about and with whom I enjoy interacting. I have a FB friend, Rhonda, who I really like a lot. She lives nearby and we are making plans to meet up. I have another friend, Char, in Seattle and I am definitely going to make the time to see her. She's invited me to her boyfriend's mom's home in Gig Harbor numerous times & I never go. I whine so much about the traffic that I don't want to leave the house. And I've never been that comfortable 'outside my element'.....that goes back to when I was a kid. I always preferred having people over than going to someone's house, until I became a teenager when I would do just about anything to not be at my house. I bitch that I have no friends up here, but I do have friends up here. They just live 35 miles away. Rhonda lives in Puyallup which is the next town over. I was never such a stick in the mud when I was younger. I enjoyed hanging out w/ my friends. Even when I worked till 11:00 pm at Channel 56 in Boston, I would drive the hour back to the Cape, bypass my house in Sandwich, and meet up w/ my friends for last call at Tiki Port in Hyannis. I wouldn't get home till 3 am. So I have to get out and make the effort to see people.
New Years Eve has also always been very bittersweet for me. When I was a little kid, my parents would wake me up so that I could watch the ball drop in New York City at midnight. When I was about 10, I started listening to WRKO's Top 100 Countdown, and tape my fave songs with a tape recorder that had a mic which I placed on top of the speaker of my clock radio. The quality was so awful and you had to be absolutely silent. So I'd sit in my dark room, taping songs, sometimes with my cousin Diane, sometimes alone. My parents would often host a party or leave for a party. I'd watch Dick Clark's New Years Rockin Eve downstairs on the TV, while running back upstairs to my room every few minutes to monitor the countdown on RKO. The ball would drop at midnight and then they'd cut to the ballroom where Guy Lombardo was conducting his orchestra through Auld Lang Syne, and I would fight back tears. If I was alone, I'd let myself just cry it out. I never understood why I always had that reaction to NYE. Was it the passing of time that made me sad? Was it the sadness and restlessness of feeling like I wanted to be anywhere else but I was never gonna get out of that boring town and life? It never failed. No matter how old I was, 11, 15, 18....that moment always made me cry. I never went to parties as a teenager, so I was sadly isolated that night, esp. since my folks would be gone till right before midnight at which time, they and all of their friends, would show up for the midnight champagne toast & ball drop. A couple of times my dad made breakfast for everyone at 2 am. I only went to one NYE party in 1983 with my high school friends, but we were all in college at the time.
We had a great time seeing the Dead on New Years Eve in California, of course. Those were probably the best NYEs of my life. But now, I'd just as soon go to bed early. Unfortunately the neighborhood fireworks are already starting so I guess I'm going to have to stay up and wait it out till 1:00 a.m. or so, or be jolted awake at midnight which is never an optimum way to wake up. Plus Bean and Sagieboo are already freaking out at the explosions. It's gonna be a long night.
It's supposed to be very rainy overnight and tomorrow. I hope the rain washes away the bad karma and craptastic year that was 2009. Worse. Year. Ever. Supposed to be a blue moon tonight as well, but we won't see it b/c of the weather. Last New Years Eve blue moon I remember was in the early 90's. I remember looking up at the full moon that night in the clear California twilight, standing in line to go into the Oakland Coliseum to see the Grateful Dead. Can't remember if it was 1990 or 1991. Good times. Great show too. We were both wearing our fave crystal necklaces to soak up the energy. I know I know, "tree hugging hippies".
I wish all of my friends a very healthy and Happy New Year. I love all of you!