Mt. Rainier and Lenticular Clouds - Dec. 2008 copyright: JMM

February 4, 2008

Pet Peeve #1: Men - The Unnecessary Accessory

Ladies: When you want to go to an antique show, craft show, shopping mall, whatever, LEAVE THE MEN AT HOME!


Germs: When your wife bugs you to go with her to an antique show, craft show, shopping mall, whatever, STAY HOME!



I consider myself a seasoned veteran of these kinds of shows. I've been to antique shows, Victorian Country Christmas, Tibet Day, craft fairs, Native American pow wows, gem & jewelry shows, bead festivals, and every time it's the same damn thing. Some man, standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, looking around cluelessly, then, more often than not, turning around only to crash into the people who are trying to go around the guy. They have no spacial awareness. Then they're all, "Oh excuse me, dear, I'm so sorry". Or they stand next to their wives in tiny, narrow booths, taking up room. They stand there, chit chatting with the guy selling the antique fishin' poles, "O'yuh, O'yuh, Ah 'member back'n 'Ought-Six, we'd a-go to the fishin' hole down by t'ol rock quarry, an' use a pole juss lahke this'n." Either buy the fucking pole grampa, or move outta the fucking way.


Men: Where is your self respect? Isn't there some kind of game on TV you could be at home watching? Skiing? Hockey Night in Canada? Professional Bowling, maybe? Are you that cowed that you have to go with your wives? And if you want to go just because you like to, can you please learn spacial awareness and to not stand there like a friggin speed bump staring into space when people are trying to get around you?


Women: Why oh why do you insist on "sharing the shopping joy" with your significant others? I have only known a handful of men who actually enjoy this past-time. Most of them would much rather be home in their recliners with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other. In fact, I'm willing to bet that most of them would rather be anywhere, than shopping with you for antiques tschotkes or beads.

My father was one of the few men who enjoyed going to gift shops w/ my mom and me. Despite our telling him to be careful and not touch anything, inevitably, we'd hear a "bang" or a "crash", then the mea culpa being delivered in his distinctive West Indian accent. He'd either knocked someone over or backed into a shelf full of knick knacks. It got to be a running joke. Mom and I would find him in the store and he'd be looking at us with his silly smile. And it's not like he was a large man and could use the "I didn't see it" excuse.....he was only 5'6".


Early in our marriage, Brian agreed to go to a Native American jewelry show in San Francisco with me once. Once. He sweetly promised to buy me a pair of earrings. Well, that took a lot of thought, you know? There were tons of earrings for sale!! First, I needed to make a pass through whole the show to see what they had, and eliminate stuff I didn't like. Then I had to narrow it down to 5 or 6 pairs I really liked. Then I had to make the big decision. He finally snaps, "JUST PICK ONE FOR CRISSAKE!" and I'm like, "FINE! I'LL TAKE THESE!" From then on, it was quietly understood that I'd be going to future shows solo, so that I could take my sweet time, do things on my timetable, and he could sit home, in said recliner, with said beer and remote. It's worked out much better that way. He looks forward to seeing my purchases when I get back, I don't feel rushed because he's giving off "waves of annoyance" and everyone is much happier.



And while I'm on the subject of people taking up inordinate amounts of room, do we really need those ginormous double wide baby carriages? Who makes these things, the same people that brought you Hummers and Escalades? Could you possibly leave your youngsters at home to watch cartoons and load up on sugary cereals? Because the little kids I saw were very "I wanna go hooooooome!" and bored beyond belief.


I am thinking about going into business for myself. I will be a "Husband Event Consultant". I will teach the producers of these shows to have a whole separate room where husbands can go wait for their wives. A "Hubby Day Care", if you will. A room with a giant, flat screen TV, tuned to some kind of sporting event. Comfy recliners and couches. Male-themed decorations like sports penants, posters of Danica Patrick, and Pink Floyd. Magazines would include "GQ", "Maxim", "Sports Illustrated", "Rolling Stone", "Field & Stream", etc. There'd be Cabela's catalogs (sporting goods) and LL Bean catalogs. There would be refreshments - if the establishment is licensed to sell alcohol, then there would be beer. If not, then soft drinks & coffee drinks. Hot pretzels, hot dogs, french fries, burgers, etc. Wi-Fi would be available too. Maybe a licensed masseuse could come in and set up a chair to do free 15 minutes massages. Just something, anything to keep the men OUTTA THE GODDAMN WAY!!!

24 comments:

  1. Every year there is a huge craft show here in Kearney. It always falls on the Saturday of the Nebraska-Texas game. I have to laugh because off in a corner is a large group of men listening to the game on the radio while their wives shop. Clearly the men don't want to be there, do their wives drag them there? And, why would they?!

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  2. THey can't help it, poor things, They just don't have what it takes.

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  3. The same people that make those stupid plastic car fronted shopping carts at Squall-Mart and the grocery store make those damned strollers.

    Here in Fayettenam every breeder has a double stroller and sometimes the elusive TRIPLE!I especially get pissed when I see a freakin' toddler in one end of said stroller!Yank that kid out of there and make them walk!

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  4. Lizzzard6:33 PM

    Oh, those joy sucking idiots! I REALLY wish people would leave their children at home -and that includes the one's they are married to!
    Spatial awareness is a huge problem not only for men but for children- which is probably why those mothers insist on keeping htem in carriages when they could be walking.

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  5. I HATE those car fronted carts! They have them in Safeway too and it's damn annoying trying to get by in the aisles. Half the time the kid is halfway out of the car part.

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  6. and if your child is SCREAMING, just because YOU don't mind, doesn't mean that the rest of us feel the same way. TAKE THE KID OUT, OR LEAVE HIM/HER HOME...there's this great new invention called, THE BABY'S FATHER! (or a baby sitter!)

    and, yes, i quite agree...some men, i.e., husbands, can be a liability.

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  7. fen,I fear most men forget they function as caregivers...IF they ever knew.

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  8. I'm the rare woman who doesn't really like shopping. I don't like crowds. Hubby loves to shop. Luckily so does daughter. They go together and I get to stay home and do stuff I like to do :)
    Still I like your Hubby Day Care idea and I'm sure most men would love it too.

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  9. Anonymous10:26 AM

    julie...

    s'um bitch. great one , JoJo.

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  10. speaking as the resident "breeder" here apparently, i have to say that we are not all alike, as i know you know as well. i personally would NEVER take my kids to something like that. they would hate it, and i wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. my dh would never even dream of sending them w/ me. he would actually LOVE an antique show, so we'd be sending them to a babysitter. (in this case, i would end up being the one sending him the R U READY YET!? look)..

    onto the topic of strollers. my kids did like the car front thingys. i don't like pushing them so it was a real treat for them to get into. if you try to think of it from the point of view of the mom who can't leave their child home everytime they go to the grocery store, those carts are great to distract the kids while you grab your stuff and get o/o there.

    but i agree, those shows would be much more enjoyable for everyone if we were all more aware of our surroundings.

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  11. btw-did ya find any cool stuff??

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  12. my man would never WANT to go. that's a given.

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  13. Kris - Yes, I got a few cool things that I'll blog about in a day or so! But I saw tons more stuff that I'd love to have, unfortunately, there's no more room in my house!!!

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  14. JoJo, not having enough room is NO excuse. You can always cram more in. So what if you can't get in the door?

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  15. Kris..that was not meant personally to anyone.A breeder is a person who simply does NOT parent.Parents are NOT breeders,breeders are not parents...good ones anyway.

    Thus BNP (breeder not parent),which was what I was referring to and PNB (parent not breeder),which are the parents who actually take raising their children seriously.

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  16. Lizzard6:50 PM

    Oh Fenwayspal, You spoke for all of us! Thank you!
    Kris, everyone knows there are times when you simply must take your seriously overtired child with you- it just can't be helped. It's the brats and the poor parenting that annoy us. That applies to all kid- including obnoxious teens!
    Jo, I think you found a topic everyone can relate to!

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  17. bryde-i wasn't offended, i have heard breeder used differently, so i just wanted to speak for those of us parents who also hate it when other parents aren't very conscious of the way their kids are affecting the people around them.

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  18. The 'breeder' types give all parental units a bad name, fo'sure.

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  19. Oh Jojo, I KNOW what you're on about. I think, though, that it depends on the company too. When I go shopping with Anushka, I can stay for hours, but with my mom, I TURN INTO A LITTLE WHINING TODDLER in a 34 year old's body!

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  20. I hate kids who scream and cry, I want, I want, I want it now!!! My mum and I found a wonderful sollution. Just wisper to the kid who screams for mummy: "she just left the shop". Even if it is not loud enough for the kid to hear, you have a feeling ofjoy.
    Once in a lovely hotel in Key West there was a notice that if the kid was heard, mangement would sell it. Works for me!

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  21. I know my gender will be ashamed of me but.....I HATE shopping (sorry)

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  22. Depends on what I am shopping for!If it is clothes,shoes makeup I am in hell.If it is music,electronics,books,Apple anything then I am happy.

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  23. Same with me Bryde....I HATE shopping for clothes and shoes!

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  24. Hey, Lizzzzzard. Who the heck are you calling an obnoxious teen? If I'm obnoxious, it's only because YOU have taken ME to enough of those stupid things.

    Well, content as my boyfriend would be with sitting a room zoning out to Pink Floyd, he's one of those few that actually would walk around and pick out beads to make a necklace with. *shrug*

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