What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been (oh come on, you knew I'd use that eventually)

It's hard to believe that a whole year has gone by since I left my home in Washington and embarked on my new journey with the love of my life.  June 23rd I moved out of the house.....the last image I had was the heartbreaking scene of Sagan looking out the front window as Pepper and I drove away.  I couldn't stop weeping.  The memory of it still makes me choke up, even though Sagie is safely on the east coast with me now, and thriving too I might add.  But back then, I wasn't sure that I'd see him ever again, although there was always a glimmer of hope; I never truly let myself believe I wouldn't see him again.  All my stuff was in a POD, which had been picked up the afternoon of the 23rd, and Pepper & I were now living out of suitcases.

I've been going through some weird stuff - moods and dreams/nightmares - over the past few weeks, with all these one year milestone anniversaries.  6/12 was my last sight seeing trip to Seattle, 6/15 my divorce was final, 6/16 was my last day at work, 6/17 the POD was delivered and I started loading it, 6/22 we divided the last bank account that was still open, 6/23 I moved out and it's also the anniversary of my dad's death.  What a high stress time it was, but what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger, I guess.

And here it is, one year later already, and I spent some of those dates at mom's, walking at the Canal a couple of times, at my love's sister's house visiting his family, and taking Marsha to lunch for her birthday.  What a difference a year makes!  As for my ex-h, he is gravely ill and living in a hospice place.  It's a shame that he's come to this end, but he Just. Wouldn't. Listen.  I was lucky to get out when I did.  I hope he can find peace in his last days, and I am grateful to him for doing the right thing in letting Sagan be flown east to be with me.  

But June 24th was the day that my sweet Bear flew to Seattle to drive me home.  Talk about my knight in shining armour coming to my rescue!!

Although we consider January 7 the first of 3 anniversary dates (3/24 is the second when I visited the Cape), our life together officially started the minute I picked him up at SeaTac Airport on 6/24.  I will never forget the butterflies in my stomach that day as it draaaaaagged by, my monitoring his flight obsessively on the computer at the Extended Stay America hotel in Tukwila, my friends keeping my morale boosted on Facebook the whole day. 

Then there was the drive over to the cell phone lot at the Airport and watching every single plane coming in, my hands  & knees trembling, teeth even chattering from nerves.  Finally he called:  He was out front of the terminal.  My hands were shaking trying to get the car started and find my way to the right place.  There he was and I was just beaming ear to ear, and so was he.  It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears of relief. OMG he was here!!!  Really and truly HERE, in the flesh!  It worked.  We did it. A relationship that started with a friend request on January 7th was now free to offically begin.  I was divorced, all ties to WA severed and a place was already rented on the east coast for us to come home to, all done in less than 6 months. That's why I know it was meant to be. We'd endured an intense online/phone long distance relationship for months, that was sometimes challenging.  But it was worth it.  Every last bit of the stress and fear and excitement and planning.  

It was a bizarre thing to know my life with Brian was over and I was shutting the door on 22 years of marriage and west coast experiences.  To this day, I don't think Brian realizes that my squeeze was flying out to drive me back, because I kept it a closely guarded secret.  Extricating myself from that house and marriage took a lot of finesse and I didn't think it wise I mention that I was going to have a driver.  It was best to let him think I was embarking on this cross country drive with just Pepper.

It's been an incredible ride, this past year.  My life is so different and so awesome.  Completely done over.  Sometimes I think about life in Washington, and the west coast as a whole, and it seems like a dream.  But no more anti depressants, no more work stress, no more commuting, a partner who is crazy about me and I him, family & friends, the ocean is close by, I have both doggies, new photo ops....I've remained adhered to the no-conflict thing.  He and I continue to talk about our future together and the next step in our relationship, and we are very, very happy.  He's a special man and I'm an extremely lucky lady, and I tell him that all the time, and he always tells me how much he loves me, too.  Every time I look into his big blue eyes, I fall deeper in love with him.  We are, for all intents and purposes, husband and wife, just without the official paperwork.

We spent a blissful next day together, before hitting the road on Sunday, June 26th.  Get on I-90 east:  "Massachusetts or Bust".  It was such a great trip - perfect weather the whole way, no car problems....and very much like a honeymoon.

Over the next few days I'm gonna pay tribute the one year anniversary of our amazing cross country trip!

2011: What a Year!!

As it turns out, I was, indeed, surrounded by assholes.  At work, at home, on my commute.  I've been off the anti-depressants for 5 months now, and it feels soooo good to be free of them.  I don't miss work and the hell that came with working in family law. Self-esteem hasn't been an issue since I got together with my man.  He is so, so good for me.  I've never felt so good about myself in my life.  No one has ever loved me as much as he does, and I've never loved anyone as much as I do him.  I'm so happy and it feels good.

Last December 31st, I did a '2010: Year in Review' HERE.  I was re-reading it, to see what I had to say about 2010, and my hopes and/or goals for 2011.  It was clear my depression was still extremely bad, and I'd lost all hope for any happiness.  The last paragraph of that new years post hit me pretty hard:

"I continue to hope that 2011 will be a better year, but it's getting really hard to psyche myself up for it and be hopeful. I am reluctant to list things I'd like to accomplish in 2011, because at this point, I'm just taking each day as it comes.  Thinking about the future is impossible because life is throwing way too many curve balls.  I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed.  All I can do is just keep playing everything by ear, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst..."  

Well I definitely never saw a complete and utter 'do-over' of my life in the cards for 2011!!

I try not to let myself think about my old life very much.  It's still too weird for me to deal with yet.  I can't even look at the pictures I shot there over the years, esp. pics from this spring when I was trying to see as much as possible before the move.  The stuff that makes me the saddest is when I remember our first few Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays in that house....the fun, joy, decorating, baking, traditions.  We were really happy there at first.  We'd moved to Washington  in 1999 to start over, after a very challenging last couple of years in California. But it all started falling apart again in 2006 and went downhill on skis from there.  Holiday traditions began to be abandoned bit by bit. Apathy, depression and indifference set in.  He kept going to the bar more and more and I stopped caring, and, in fact I relished having the house to myself for a change while he was out of the house. Yeah we still had a few laughs, and I tried so hard to be positive and ignore what was happening around me.  The clusterfuck disaster that was 2009.  How much I truly hated my job. The crushing resentment that I was carrying us financially for years while he went to the bar night after night.  'Existing' became the name of the game.  "I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed."  Isn't that a telling statement?!

Then all of a sudden this window of opportunity opened for a do-over on life and I seized it, terrifying as it may be at this age.

I was definitely dead inside, this time last year.  But I was willing to continue plodding on at a job I had come to loathe.  I loved my boss and my coworker/friend, but it was the same shit day after day.  The same clients unable to behave like adults, the same work over and over, the same crappy commute every day.  The same stressful life at home, trying to make ends meet on one salary.  Me doing all the breadwinning, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, etc etc etc.  I was too scared to end it, and it was just easier & convenient to keep the status quo than to actually do something about it.  My sweetie gave me the strength to leave.

As happy as I am and as amazing as this year has been, 2011 came with it's fair share of challenges too.        Saying goodbye to my beloved Sagan broke my heart.  Ending a 22 year marriage, quitting my job and moving 3,000 miles home was extremely difficult and I am eternally grateful to all of my friends (and you know who you are) for holding my hand, calling me, sending encouraging emails, and making sure I kept focused and my 'eye on the prize'.  My mom is in failing health.  Friends of both of our families passed away suddenly in Oct., Nov. and Dec. We also had to deal with hiding an intense & long distance relationship for 6 months and his psycho ex-girlfriend (and her equally psycho friend) who tried in vain to break us up last spring.  The truly ironic thing is that he and I kind of owe her a 'thank you', b/c she's the one that talked him into getting the computer & joining Facebook, and the first thing he did was try to find me!  lol

When I think of all the things that had to fall into place exactly right in order for my life to do a complete 180, it blows my mind.  He got a computer for one reason and ended up using it for another.  He didn't want to tell me how he felt, especially since I'd lied and  told him that I was happily married for 22 years.  He confessed to his best friend how he felt and she pushed him to tell me, just to see what would happen.  I am eternally grateful to her for that; we both are.  Ultimately the decision was up to me.  "Should I stay or should I go now...."

Other highlights of this year include having success at my first craft show in November, the trip to Maine and getting to see my bff Michelle, Gene's Christmas party, Barit's Christmas Open House, getting to see my cousin Sharon after her heart surgery instead of just calling/texting/emailing, seeing Diane & the kids when they come up from Maryland, reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, having time to beach comb, walk Pepper and shoot lots of pictures and rediscovering all that this region has to offer.  It's nice to be so close to the water again.  Yeah I lived near Puget Sound and all, but it's not the same as being on the coast, which was a 3-4 hour drive from my house in Washington.  I can go a few miles in any direction and be on the water.  I can walk to Buttermilk Bay Beach from my house.  That's a huge plus.

I lived on the west coast for a long time; I was 24 when I moved there, so we're talking almost a lifetime. And considering I really have no cognitive memories of ages 1 through 6, the 2+ decades spent on the west coast is more than a lifetime.  It's hard to compartmentalize that much time, routine and memories, and move them into the filing cabinet of my brain, especially when I'm surrounded by so many of the trinkets and souvenirs from that time period.  This is a totally new phase and I'm still adjusting to it.  Last December 31st I never in a million years thought I'd fall madly in love with a former classmate, leave my marriage, quit my career,  drive across the country and move back to Cape Cod.  It's 1989 in reverse and that's one of the things that weirds me out.  Talk about bookending a life! The only difference between 1989 and 2011 is that back then, I wanted, and planned, to quit my career, drive across the country and move to San Francisco.  It was going to be a solo move, but then Brian and I got together and eloped after 2 months, so he went too.  On 12/31/88, I knew that I'd be on the west coast by mid-89.  On 12/31/10, I had zero inkling that I'd move, and back to the Cape of all places, by mid-11.  Sharon still enjoys teasing me, "'I'm never moving back to the Cape.  Nope. NOT. EVER.'  Hmm....so what happened to that one, Jo?"  Never say never.

Starting over at our ages of 47 and 49 is one scary-ass prospect.  It was a 'devil-may-care' & exciting adventure at age 24, but now it's terrifying.  But I say that with humour, I really do.  There's no one else I'd rather embark on this new phase than with my man.  It's so great to see old friends and have new laughs with them. We went to a Christmas party in early December and I was surrounded by so many people from Sandwich High School that it blew my mind.  It was at my friend Gene's house; a house which I literally grew up in, as our parents were (and still are) very close (my parents are his godparents).  So many memories of visiting them on Christmas Eve in the 70's, after 5:00 p.m. Mass, when we were children. And the parties his parents threw in those days!  Wall-to-wall adults in the house and everyone's kids outside playing.  It was a little surreal being there again; this time we are the adults socializing inside, and a new generation of kids was running through the house like we did 35-40 years ago.

I look over this past year with wonder.  I can't believe all this stuff happened to me; it's like watching someone else's life unfold.  All I know is, I must've done something really great karma-wise to have all these amazing things happen to me this year.  The only black mark on it is that I miss Sagan very, very much.  On some level I really thought that I'd see him again.  I figured that, by now, I would have flown him east and he'd be with me and Pepper.  That's been the hardest part of this entire move, leaving behind my beloved dog.  He is so sweet and I miss him so much, and just thinking about him makes me cry.  I miss giving him snuggles and cuddles. I miss how he'd dive halfway onto my couch and bury his head under my arm, then rest it on my lap.  I miss seeing him being goofy...this 90 lb German shepherd playing like a little puppy, rolling around on his back and grunting with a squeak toy in his mouth, then when he saw me staring at him and laughing he'd stop squirming, leap up and run over to me for a cuddle.  I can only hope that he is being well cared for, as there is zero contact between Brian and I.  Some of my friends are FB friends with him and will inquire how Sagan is doing, just to let me know, and I appreciate that.

As I said I don't miss work, but I do miss the generous Christmas bonus I used to get each year.  I really looked forward to my annual January and February online shopping sprees and trip to the annual Palmer Wirfs Antique Show & Sale in Puyallup.  Ah well.  I certainly don't need anymore 'stuff'.  I have boxes that haven't been unpacked as it is, and no room for anymore knick knacks.  The other day I was surfing around on all my fave shopping websites, just to see what's new, what I might have wanted, what I might possibly be able to afford.  I surprised myself by not finding much, if anything.  There are a couple of beaded cross stitch kits, but that's about it.  I have all the art supplies I could ever want.....I ordered a ton of stuff after last Christmas before I decided to move, and I never got the opportunity to use them b/c I was too busy packing.  I still love to look at antique beaded purses, but I have nearly all my collection in an acid-free box b/c they were deteriorating out in the open all those years, so I can't even display them.  It would be nice to have a little extra money for us to take a trip, or buy a sectional reclining couch unit so that we can actually sit together, but that will come in time.

2011 was quite a year, yes indeed.  One I'll not soon forget.  The year that I got my life back, the year that I found my soulmate and the love of my life, the year that I finally pulled out of a decade of depression and hopelessness.  I know that whenever you have a good year, a bad year often follows.....that's just the cycle of life.

Who knows what 2012 will bring? But at least I feel better prepared for it, now that I have a loving man and lots of friends by my side.  I don't make resolutions, so all I'm gonna do is continue to try and build a better me.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Door Closes, Door Opens

So my divorce was finalized on June 15.  I wasn't as bummed as I thought I might be.  My boss brought the papers down to be entered.  When he got back to the office he grinned at me and said, "You caused me some problems down there."  I was mortified.  I couldn't imagine what I had done wrong, procedurally.  I literally wailed, "ooohhhh NOOOOOO what did I doooooo???"  He laughed and said, "Just kidding.  What happened was I presented the papers to the Court Commissioner.  He looked them over and said, 'Counsel, is this Joanne Wolf, the paralegal?' I said, 'Yes, Your Honor.'  He said, 'You realize she used to work for me? Is this going to be a problem?'....."  Turns out it was a lawyer I worked for, when I first moved to Washington 12 years ago.  He left that firm when he was appointed to the Bench a year or so ago.  We had a good laugh about it, and apparently he and the Commissioner did as well, especially since Steve had called him for a reference when I applied for the job at Fisher & Lindsay, back in 2001.  Steve assured him that it would not be a problem at all and it was all good, so he signed off on the final pleadings.  I thought it was a cool way to bookend my law career in Washington State.  I was working for him and his firm exactly 12 years ago, because we got to WA on June 4 and I started working there around June 10.  I must say though, it's a little disconcerting when your boss tells you that the Judges and Commissioners are well aware of who you are because they read your work product on a daily basis.  I've always liked to think of myself as the anonymous face behind the scenes, cranking out the work.  On the other hand, my signature appears on hundreds and hundreds of documents filed with the Court.

When I got the final papers back, I sent my squeeze an email to tell him.  But I couldn't wait for him to answer me that way, so I called him.  I could hear the happiness in his voice, and when we hung up he sent me a very sweet message via email. 

Brian's come to terms with it and he seems more able to move on.  We had a rather surreal conversation about him dating.  I never thought I'd see the day, but here it is and it's really OK.  I truly want him to be happy and get out there and meet someone that is more suited for him than I am.  We want different things now, and it happens.  We've been getting along pretty well, all things considered.  He applied for and probably will get a great apartment in Tacoma that allows dogs.  He is now more able to discuss the splitting up of the furniture.  I'm not sure how much room I'll have in the POD, so we'll see what I end up having to take out of necessity.  When we were discussing people he would think about asking out, I was a little taken aback by the list.  It sort of proved to me something that I always thought from day 1, which was that while he may have loved me and all, it wasn't just me he was attracted to.  He was looking at and thinking about other women "that way" the whole time. And that only battered my self esteem further.  Fortunately, this is no longer going to be a problem for me in  my current relationship.  Cause I need to know that it's just me, and my boyfriend has admitted to having tunnelvision when it comes to being in a serious relationship.  I'm not talking about the silly 'List of Celebrities I Can Sleep With' list, that's fine.  I'm talking about me vs. the chick down the street, or the woman that works on the 2nd floor, or the one that works at the store, or the cute young bartender at the bar.  Someone that poses a real threat to my relationship. 

I told Brian that I want him to let me know immediately if he is unable to keep Sagan, because I will spare no expense to get him to the east coast, and he promised me that he would assist in the process.  In the meantime, I have agreed to continue to pay for the organic, made in the USA dog food from Flint River Ranch for Sagan. All in all, I think Brian and I have handled this admirably.  I mean, it really could have been ugly and that's what I was afraid of and prepared for.  I had an escape plan, and discussed with my boss the different scenarios that included the possibility of restraining orders.  Fortunately none of that was necessary.  I did have some bad days, emotionally, especially towards the end.  Thinking about the last time I'll sit on my reclining loveseat, computer on my lap, watching TV.  Leaving my job and boss.  The thought of saying goodbye to Sagan is the hardest one of all and I try so hard not to think about it. 

I had good times with Brian though, problems notwithstanding. We really never fought that much, and we definitely had a lot of laughs. We had a lot of cool experiences and we saw and did lots of neat stuff. We have always been friends and we'll see how much we stay in touch when I leave. The "Grateful Dead Years" were the Golden Age of my marriage. And what more can I say about the west coast? I lived the dream, I really did. Everything that I hoped for came to fruition out here and I had a blast. There were some really dark times too, but I don't really want to rehash or remember them. 

My last day at work was more bittersweet than my divorce being finalized.  My boss and I got really teary eyed when we hugged 'goodbye', but fortunately we live in an electronic age so staying in touch isn't that big a deal.  And he loves to travel and wants to spend some time on the east coast, so I know I'll see Steve again.  It's just really weird for me to think that I don't have to worry about what fresh hell awaits me on my desk every morning.  No more verbal abuse and constant interruptions from the clients.  No more I-5/Highway 16/River Road/Highway 410 commute.

Me, Steve & Deb.  I look horrible b/c I was all weepy and stuff. 

I was reading an article, on CNN.com I think, about how baby boomers are reaching their 50's and deciding that they want more out of life, new happiness, and are starting to divorce in record numbers, and Facebook is having a direct impact on those statistics as old flames and friends hook up again. A few years ago, most of the divorces we did were short-term marriages. 7 or 8 years was the average. Now we're seeing a marked upswing in divorces among people who were married in the mid-80's to early 90's, after college or military service. Their kids are grown, they are only in their late 40's and early to mid 50's. You don't get windows of opportunities like this very often, or a second chance at happiness and a new life. You can either reach for the brass ring or stay in a miserable situation and then regret it for the rest of your life.

A lot of my friends have been saying that I'm 'brave' to do this and take this leap. I'm not sure what that means because I sure as hell don't feel brave. I've been too busy to think about it really, and I'm still doing everything on my own, which is something that I'm just used to doing cause I always have. I love my man so much and I need to be with him. We are meant to be together and the only way that can happen is if one of us relocates, and it's not fair to ask him to move here. There are many reasons for me to move back, more pros than cons. I can only hope that my stuff makes it back in one piece without it getting blown away in a storm or end up floating down the swollen Missouri River. The trip itself is going to be fun, and we have a place to go to once we arrive. We can pick up the keys upon our arrival on the Cape and move in. I remember when Brian and I moved to San Francisco, how finding an apartment fell into place immediately and I knew that moving there was meant to be. That's how I feel now. I really thought we were gonna have a wicked hard time finding a pet friendly rental home, and I was getting discouraged by the lack of selection, and starting to despair a little bit. To have an actual address takes a weight off my shoulders.

Now I am off on a new adventure.  By the time anyone reads this, I will be on the road, headed east.  I don't know what kind of WiFi, if any, will be available in the various hotels we stop at.  If I check in anywhere, it'll only be on Facebook.  Therefore, I expect to be offline for awhile, as it'll take some time to get internet up and running at our place after we move in.  I expect it'll take 5 or 6 days to make the trip, and we'll hopefully be back in time for 4th of July.

Here's 46 years' worth of memories and my life.  It was suggested that I rope off the sections, but they only give you 2 eyelets on either side, and 2 on the top cross beam, so you can't get terribly creative with it or make a realistic webbing that will keep stuff back.  I did my best to pack and actually had extra room.  I started looking for stuff to fill the empty spaces.  I couldn't reach to stack stuff up high except for the firsts section in the back.  Each section thereafter steps down in height.  I was running out of stuff to fill it, so I ended up putting the lightest stuff on top, and hopefully if it falls, it won't go too far.  The good thing about PODS is that they have a hydraulic system that lifts the container straight up, and then the truck backs in under it and it's set down on the bed and then locked down to it.  The only tipping will be when the truck is going over hills and mountains.  And since the trucks can't travel really fast with loads this heavy, the shifting will, hopefully, be minimal.  Still, I'll be on tenterhooks till it arrives on July 7th.  The 4th of July holiday really screwed me on when it would be delivered.

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, my dear sweet friends, who have supported me, held my hand and kept me sane over the past 6 months.  I truly don't know what I would have done without you guys and I appreciate and love all of you.  

When door closes, another one opens and it feels pretty damn good to step through it with my true love and soulmate.  See you guys soon!  MWAH!!!!!

Starting Over

Here's a scary-ass prospect:  I'm nearly 47 and facing what is for me, financial ruin. Gone are the days when our combined salary was edging close to 6 figures.  Gone are the days of being able to afford a weekly lawn service like we had in 2008.  No more trips to Canada or the coast.

I've always prided myself on having a fairly decent ability to budget my money really well.  My cousin Sharon has always said that Diane and I have always been able to make $10 out of $1.  Back in about 1977 or 1978, when Di and I started earning money from babysitting and chores, we both started budgets, which we kept in cigar boxes.  Inside the box was a little notebook and pen with the envelope of the money I'd earned.  We were between Christmas-Club-Account-Age and Real-Grown-Up-Savings-Account-Age, so all our cash was kept in our respective cigar boxes.  I'd do the math out in the notebook to keep track of when I was taking stuff out of the envelope, how much and what I bought w/ it.  And then adding in my chore and babysitting money.  I was what, 12? 13?  My parents were very frugal and were constantly drilling into my head the importance of hard work and not wasting money on what they referred to as 'crap', i.e., records, books, Teen Beat magazine, cheap jewelry & blacklight posters from Spencer Gift's. I was expected to have enough money to finance Christmas gifts for my large family of aunts, uncles and cousins, as well as my friends, and also have enough money to finance birthday gifts for my family & friends.  Most of my yearly saving went toward that end, but yeah, I did like to spend money on 'crap'.  I still do.

So far we have ridden out this recession fairly well, thanks to my awesome budgeting skills.  We would have gone under a loooooong time ago.  But if I don't walk away from this situation now, I'll really be screwed.  I have no choice but to cut my losses, and return to the east coast broke and jobless, seeking a career change, just like when I walked away from TV Production and started over in law.  I've got one chance left to rebuild my life and this is it.

The cruelest real irony is that I'll be unloading the boxes of my stuff into the Coop nearly 22 years TO THE DAY that I moved them out of the Coop, when I left to move to San Francisco.  I won't have an apartment so I'll be crashing at mom's for a bit, just like I did the 2 weeks between moving out of my Sandwich apartment and leaving for California.  I'll have about the same amount of money, but it doesn't stretch near as far as it did in 1989, before gas, groceries and everything else skyrocketed in price.

The thing that's really breaking my heart is the house.  It really is a great piece of property and I wish w/ all my heart that Brian could keep it, but it's not feasible.  Not without any income.  And he finds himself in the exact same position he was in when we met, which is flat broke, living on the edge of homelessness, and I feel just terrible about that and for hurting him.  This situation has been very hard for him to accept.  I don't know what the answer is for him, but if I am ever going to find my happiness and try to make a positive change in my life, I have to get out before my own depression eats me alive.  And at least I have people to go home to, back east.  My sweet boyfriend, my friends and family won't let me fall.  But Brian has no one here.  Moving near his family in NJ isn't an option.  Without an income, he is going to run out of money and that scares me to death.  Believe me, I am fully prepared to take both Pepper and Sagan, and that means Brian would be really alone.  I don't think he will survive without us, and that also scares me to death.  

22 years is a long time to be with someone, esp. as much as Brian and I have hung out.  We have acquired a lot of stuff.  I have started purging stuff and it is surprisingly easy to part with it.  I can't believe we hauled all of it with us from California.  Brian and I made a lot of great memories and had a lot of laughs.  Unfortunately we got off track, and fairly early on too, but we both opted to stay together because for the most part we get along well, as friends and roommates.  We moved to Washington for a fresh start after a particularly rocky patch in the mid to late 90's.  It was good for the first couple years here, but then everything went back to the way it was in California.  And now I'm closing the door on that part of my life and hurting someone who I do care about and did love, once. I have chosen to try and forget the bad times and look upon "The Brian & Jo Era" with the good memories of vacations and Dead shows, protest marches and hiking, and all the laughs we had, b/c we did have a lot of laughs.  I'm torn between happiness and excitement at my new life and sadness for ending this chapter in my life.  Balancing my passion for my squeeze and compassion for Brian is difficult at best.   It just sucks to be in this position.  Sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning and deal w/ all of the stress, yet staying home and calling in sick is almost a more stressful option, because I have to be here.  I want it to be July already.  And I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye to Brian either b/c he's already so emotional every time he thinks about my leaving with Pepper....and, more than likely, Sagan too.  He has already unfriended me on Facebook b/c of my being out in the open about my relationship status.

Our realtor is not optimistic on the chances of selling the house any time soon.  I had hoped that it could be listed at its assessed value.  That would have put a little bit of profit in our pockets after closing costs and the mortgage was paid.  But b/c it needs work and upgrades, it can only be listed for a few thousand more than what is owed.  We may break even, but it's not looking good.  He thinks it'll have to be done on a short sale and I'm still trying to understand what that means.  I'm not up on real estate stuff and I haven't had a chance to look through the short sale info my boss gave me.  To be honest, reading that stuff takes tremendous effort b/c it's just so all unpleasant and boring, no matter how positive I try to keep my attitude.   All I know is that it's going to fuck up my credit and I'm not happy about that.  Everything else on my credit report is stellar.  I don't think it's fair to put foreclosures on people's credit reports anymore because it's happened to millions of people.  I really thought we'd walk away w/ some money but we may, in all likelihood, walk away owing money.  How's that for a kick in the chicklets?

I just cannot believe how bad we fucked up by refinancing the house so much during the good times when banks were throwing loans and credit card applications at people, and I don't even remember what we pissed the money away on either.  When we refinanced, in 2005, it was to tap into the equity and buy that cursed property on the Olympic Peninsula.  Biggest. Mistake.  EVER.  We poured so much money into that place only to sell it a year later.  Yeah we put the majority of the sales money into an interest-bearing account and used it towards the mortgage balance when we refinanced the last time in 2008, but it wasn't as much as what we'd borrowed to buy the property in the first damn place.  I will, one of these days, blog about the Curse of the Neilton Property experience but I'm even creeped out by the photos I shot of it.  I can't even make myself scan them.  But I digress....

Could I have saved more money over the years?  Yes.  Should I have, instead of catalog shopping?  Definitely.  But compared to most other people, we did OK.  We were always able to see Grateful Dead shows back in the day, we always had enough to cover our bills.  We could go out to eat and take vacations.  I've never fallen behind on any payments to any creditors. We never had tons and tons of credit cards.  But now it's our turn to fall victim of the economy.

So.  There it is.  Nearly 47 and in the same financial situation I was in when I was 24 and headed to California.  Except I no longer have youth on my side, or years and years ahead of me to work to make it up.  I learned from working at Channel 56 that money doesn't buy happiness.  And I must be honest that the best years Brian and I had were the ones when we were really poor.  I didn't start making decent money till about 1991 or 1992.  We couldn't even afford cable TV that first year in San Francisco.  My main concern now is finding a place that will allow 2, possibly 3, dogs. As long as I am with the people I love and I am finally happy, that's all I care about.  I had hoped to take some time off to decompress when I got back, however I will probably have to job hunt fairly quickly, which is a disappointment, but a necessary evil.  I've already decided that I am not going to apply for any law jobs.  I can't do it anymore.  The stress is horrid and it took me 12 years to unlearn everything I learned in California when I moved to Washington.   I just don't see being able to learn Mass. law, and I'm just too damn tired to learn a whole new set of Court rules.  Ideally I'd like something mellow and part time, Mon-Thurs, at least for now.  Plus I'll pursue selling my jewelry stuff, once everything's unpacked.

And so I will limp back to Cape Cod financially battered, but hopefully mentally & emotionally healthy, or at least more mentally & emotionally healthy than I have been over the past 6 or so years.  Just like I've made my peace with being a Townie, I've made my peace with this as well.