Another Year Gone By

2013 got off to a rough start, at least for me, and it seemed also for a lot of my friends, judging from my Facebook newsfeed.  There was a lot of frustration with vehicle repair issues, and then losing power after the blizzard in Feb. definitely sucked out loud.  The summer was long, hot and humid and I was a prisoner in my house for days at a time.  August was extremely social and full of photographic junkets on the few cool, dry days we got.  Yet I can't really remember what all I did while I was trapped in the house all summer.  I know I made stuff, but I have better memories of the summers of 2011 and 2012 than I do 6 months ago!  My fave part of the year was spending time with the kids.  

I was pleased we were able to get a few things we've needed for awhile.  My new recliner and camera are awesome.  And a generator....that's the best.  It's also nice to have a small wood kitchen table instead of a card table.

It snowed a few times this month, although we didn't have a white Christmas.  I managed to get a few snaps of the lights reflecting on the snow before the rain washed it all away.

Sunrise on 12/19.

Pepperbean rocking the comfy coziness on a cold winter day.  I put the blanket on her.  I had it on both dogs, but Sagan promptly got off the couch, wanting nothing to do with yet another photo op.  I've figured out that I can get them to stop pestering me if I point a camera at them.  That usually makes them turn away and go lay down.

We had a quiet holiday season.  I ran out of time to take night pics of the lights in town and in Sandwich. The weather just didn't cooperate at all.  It was either bitter cold, snowing or raining. I did enjoy getting together with some women in Sandwich one night, as one was in from China! She's lived there for 21 years and is a teacher there.  She said she was only supposed to stay for 2 years!  My cousins came up from Maryland right after Christmas and I visited with them as well.  I was also asked to take Christmas pics of our great nieces, Abi & Katie.  This is the first time I've ever shot portraits of humans, let alone babies! But I think they came out really well.

This one really makes me laugh.  It looks like Abi's pulling Katie's hat down and saying, 'Pay no attention to her! I'M the star here....'

Such sweet girls!!!  They were good as gold for the shoot.

Christmas Eve.

New toys for the puppies on Christmas day.

We visited w/ my mom on Christmas morning and then went to his sister's to visit his family before coming home to cook.  The youngest came over for dinner around 3.  Mom finally let me take the small jar of beach glass that I found in the 70s and 80s.  The jar has been on the hallway window sill since I was a kid, and many of these pieces are over 40 years old.  I noticed how much thicker the glass is too.

Sunset Christmas day.

The weather's been so erratic, temperature-wise.  It's either 20* or 50*.  It got super cold a couple days after Christmas.

This is the hood of my car.  My friends pointed out that it looks like a mountain range as seen from a plane.

I was amazed at this almost perfectly round spot of different frost patterns.

Indeed.

Close up of the patterns in the circle.

My stepdaughter and her boyfriend celebrated Christmas with us on the 28th.  I made these cupcakes for our get together.

Oh yeah!  Michelle sent me another box of pure awesomeness!!

This fibre is gorgeous.  So many colours with hints of gold sparkly thread.

Seriously, what's not to love about this stuff?!

When my nose gets cold, it's really uncomfortable, and for some reason, that happens a lot, even when I have the heat on.  Nothing I do seems to warm it up either.  Last year I mentioned it in passing to Michelle, and teased that I wanted her to knit me a little teeny blanket for my nose with thread on either side that I'd hook around my ears.  Instead, she knitted me this freakin AWESOME cowl that slips over my head and I can pull it up around my ears and nose, while keeping my hands & eyes free.  It works like a charm and I've been wearing it quite a bit.  It keeps my neck so toasty too.

As soon as I saw the fibre, I knew exactly what I was going to do for my first project with it.  I made a coiled little basket out of clothesline wrapped with the fibre.

It's quite small and I could have continued to make it taller but I stopped at this level.  I worked with 3 foot lengths at a time to avoid massive tangling, and used a tapestry needle to help with the wrapping and securing each coil to the one below it.  I was gonna top it with beads but I think I'll leave it plain.  As usual, this was just a prototype to see if I could remember how to make this (I made on in the late 90s from a kit and fortunately, I'd saved the instructions).

It's hard to believe this is our 3rd New Years Eve together and coming up on our 3rd anniversary on January 7.  We are talking more about getting married sooner rather than later, and it just may happen in 2014.  We want his son & fiancee' to be present, so we will have to coordinate when they are able to come out from Ohio.  My stepdaughter is my maid of honour and I am pretty sure that the boys will be the best men. It'll be really small, just the kids & us, I think.  Then later on we'll have something at the Legion or somewhere, for our friends to celebrate with us, eat and so forth.  I still get the butterflies when we're together and I look forward to taking his name.  I'm very blessed and grateful to have so may great friends and family.  I love my stepkids very much and I am so pleased that they love me too.  They see their dad happy for the first time ever and I really love making new memories together as a family.

I hope 2014 is a healthy and prosperous year for all of you!  

2012

This year went by wicked fast again.  And it didn't end on December 21st like the Mayan's allegedly predicted.  It's hard to believe that it's already New Years Eve.  Doesn't seem possible that a whole year has gone by.  It's almost my and Russell's second anniversary too.  Wow!!!!

It was a pretty mellow year for the most part.  It had some financial challenges and setbacks, but what year doesn't?  We are very, very happy together in our little rental home, although we long to own our own home someday.  Something that's a little bit bigger so that I can finally unpack the rest of our stuff.  People hear 'three bedroom' and think this place is large, but the rooms are so teeny, and one of them is stacked with unpacked boxes & totes.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure b/c I don't own a home anymore, esp. at this age.  However, so many people lost their homes over the past 4 years so it's not like I'm the only one.  And mine was only lost due to a short sale and the value/sale price dropping way below what was owed.  You have no idea how much I regret letting Brian talk me into refinancing in 2005 to buy that cursed property in Neilton, on the Olympic Peninsula.  What a huge mistake.  HUGE mistake.  If we had never refinanced at all over the years, that house would have actually netted a profit upon sale, but we just kept borrowing against the equity....robbing Peter to pay Paul, as they say....and it bit me in the ass big time.  El biggo time-o.  I am very hopeful that our landlords will continue to let us rent here, as we are very happy with this area and Buzzards Bay.  I like it better in Bourne than I do in Sandwich for many reasons.

January was a damn cold month, despite it starting out extremely mild on the 1st, because we kicked off the New Year with a walk on Scusset Beach that day.  We had the one and only snow event in late January as well.  My ex was crashing and burning big time, and told me that it was time for me to fly my sweet little boy Sagan to the east coast, with the caveat that he 'will want him back in 6 or 8 months' when he 'got better'.  That was one stressful week, wondering if Brian would rip the rug out from under me and renege.  But thanks to a bicoastal effort on the part of friends that I can never truly, or fully, repay, I picked up my baby boy from Logan Airport on January 28th.  I was only apart from him for 7 months, but it sure seemed longer.  Sometimes I wonder if either he or Pepper remember anything from Washington, or if as far as they know, they've always lived here and Russell has always been 'dad'.  

Here he is about an hour after I brought him home.  Happy boy is happy to be back with mom and sis!!! 

Bean, on the other hand, was soooooooo mad.  lol

And here they are, now sharing the couch in November.  They do enjoy each other's company, even if Pepper acts like a curmudgeon sometimes.  

It was a good year, overall.  No trips out of town, but I did enjoy exploring this area and Plymouth, although I can't believe I never made it up to P-Town!  I find myself falling into that familiar excuse, 'it's too far, I don't feel like driving an hour or more' that I used in Washington, to my detriment in the long run.  In my defense, the summer was just waaaay too hot and humid to do anything outside, and we even put off the Canal Cruise to early September because it wasn't even cool out on the water.  I had great beachcombing scores when I did go out.  Awesome to see so many friends and family.  King Richard's Faire.  Walks on the Canal.

And of course, my two biggest wishes came true:  Getting Sagan back, and getting engaged to the love of my life.

I got "a few" crafts done.  lol  Just a few.  2012 was definitely the Year of Pinterest and Crafting.  I cannot thank my sweetie enough for giving me the gift of being a stay at home 'wife'.  A lot of people have been pressuring me to get a job, but I haven't felt ready to rejoin the full-time workforce yet.  I have looked around for some part time work, but nothing's available around here, although I had an interview on the 27th at a temp agency, for a part time job in Middleborough, so we'll see if anything comes of it.  I am very reluctant to go back into the legal field, although there are a couple lawyers here in town that I thought about dropping off resumes to.  Realistically, I can't get back on that roller coaster of deadlines and last minute work again: Phones ringing off the hook, clients in the waiting room, copy machine cranking, assembling all the packages & filings while the is messenger waiting....Yeah um no, think I'll pass.  We'll see what I decide to do in 2013.  For now, I am content to be a homemaker and spoil my sweet hubby & pups, go out shooting pics and making crafts.  And no, we did not get married, but we think of each other as married so yeah, I'll probably be referring to him more as my hubby.

I stuck it out with Project 365, although by the summer I was sick of doing it and cheated a bit more here and there, posting older photos or ones not taken on the specific date they were posted.  By November, I was literally counting down the days till it was done.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I'm glad I did it, but I won't do it again.  Of everyone I talked into starting it with me, only Joan posted regularly.  Everyone else quit by February.  I was even ready to quit by February but stubbornly decided to finish.  The one thing that's pretty cool is that it's a visual diary of my year (except for the days I posted something old). 

We lost a few friends and family members this year.  Our high school Graphic Arts teacher, Mr. Savino, was a presence on Facebook from the summer of 2011 and I enjoyed interacting with him; we all did.  He passed away in March from pancreatic cancer that he didn't tell anyone he had.  So it came as quite a shock to hear he had died.  For several months afterwards, I would look for his comments and then remember he was gone. Then there was my friend Cyndy, who passed away during the summer and which I blogged about at the time.

The strangest death for me this year was my ex-husband Brian, who passed away in September from liver disease.  I said my goodbyes years ago, but it's just sad to think that he's gone at the age of 51.  What a waste of a life.  I look back on things from 1989 till 2011, and it's like watching a movie of someone else's life.  The San Francisco/Grateful Dead years, the Marin County Years, the Washington State Years.... My friend Diane went to see him at the hospice place, the day that he died.  She told him that it was OK to let go now, and I'd asked her to tell him I said thanks for the memories, the dogs were great and that I appreciated his letting me take Sagan. Brian could be vindictive, and he could have easily sentenced me to a life of heartbreak knowing that my dog was sent back to rescue to be re-homed, rather than sent to me.  I am very grateful that he put Sagie's best interests first and let me take him.  After Diane left, he died.  I wonder if what she said gave him the peace to die, knowing that Pepper and Sagan were fine.  He was a mentally ill, alcoholic and could be a real jerk, but he did love our dogs.  It's just weird for me to wake up here and go about my life, knowing that he's gone.  I really thought my leaving would shake him up and that he'd get his shit together, but it was already too late.  I truly dodged a bullet.  I could so easily have taken the familiar path of staying in my house, continuing to work for Steve, etc. But instead I jumped at the chance for a do-over and I am forever grateful to Russell for finding and rescuing me.  I would be faced with being a widow now, with giant medical bills, probably the loss of my house anyway, having missed out on the best thing to ever happen to me.  But instead, I get to be with my true love and my two dogs.  I am very lucky indeed.

I guess 2012 was a year of nesting, finding myself and enjoying my new life here on the east coast.  Not sure what 2013 has in store, of course, but hopefully things will remain on an even keel, as much as they can.  I'm just very grateful to be here.

Have a great New Year everyone!  Best wishes for 2013!!

2011: What a Year!!

As it turns out, I was, indeed, surrounded by assholes.  At work, at home, on my commute.  I've been off the anti-depressants for 5 months now, and it feels soooo good to be free of them.  I don't miss work and the hell that came with working in family law. Self-esteem hasn't been an issue since I got together with my man.  He is so, so good for me.  I've never felt so good about myself in my life.  No one has ever loved me as much as he does, and I've never loved anyone as much as I do him.  I'm so happy and it feels good.

Last December 31st, I did a '2010: Year in Review' HERE.  I was re-reading it, to see what I had to say about 2010, and my hopes and/or goals for 2011.  It was clear my depression was still extremely bad, and I'd lost all hope for any happiness.  The last paragraph of that new years post hit me pretty hard:

"I continue to hope that 2011 will be a better year, but it's getting really hard to psyche myself up for it and be hopeful. I am reluctant to list things I'd like to accomplish in 2011, because at this point, I'm just taking each day as it comes.  Thinking about the future is impossible because life is throwing way too many curve balls.  I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed.  All I can do is just keep playing everything by ear, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst..."  

Well I definitely never saw a complete and utter 'do-over' of my life in the cards for 2011!!

I try not to let myself think about my old life very much.  It's still too weird for me to deal with yet.  I can't even look at the pictures I shot there over the years, esp. pics from this spring when I was trying to see as much as possible before the move.  The stuff that makes me the saddest is when I remember our first few Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays in that house....the fun, joy, decorating, baking, traditions.  We were really happy there at first.  We'd moved to Washington  in 1999 to start over, after a very challenging last couple of years in California. But it all started falling apart again in 2006 and went downhill on skis from there.  Holiday traditions began to be abandoned bit by bit. Apathy, depression and indifference set in.  He kept going to the bar more and more and I stopped caring, and, in fact I relished having the house to myself for a change while he was out of the house. Yeah we still had a few laughs, and I tried so hard to be positive and ignore what was happening around me.  The clusterfuck disaster that was 2009.  How much I truly hated my job. The crushing resentment that I was carrying us financially for years while he went to the bar night after night.  'Existing' became the name of the game.  "I'm afraid to hope for anything because I'm tired of having them dashed."  Isn't that a telling statement?!

Then all of a sudden this window of opportunity opened for a do-over on life and I seized it, terrifying as it may be at this age.

I was definitely dead inside, this time last year.  But I was willing to continue plodding on at a job I had come to loathe.  I loved my boss and my coworker/friend, but it was the same shit day after day.  The same clients unable to behave like adults, the same work over and over, the same crappy commute every day.  The same stressful life at home, trying to make ends meet on one salary.  Me doing all the breadwinning, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, etc etc etc.  I was too scared to end it, and it was just easier & convenient to keep the status quo than to actually do something about it.  My sweetie gave me the strength to leave.

As happy as I am and as amazing as this year has been, 2011 came with it's fair share of challenges too.        Saying goodbye to my beloved Sagan broke my heart.  Ending a 22 year marriage, quitting my job and moving 3,000 miles home was extremely difficult and I am eternally grateful to all of my friends (and you know who you are) for holding my hand, calling me, sending encouraging emails, and making sure I kept focused and my 'eye on the prize'.  My mom is in failing health.  Friends of both of our families passed away suddenly in Oct., Nov. and Dec. We also had to deal with hiding an intense & long distance relationship for 6 months and his psycho ex-girlfriend (and her equally psycho friend) who tried in vain to break us up last spring.  The truly ironic thing is that he and I kind of owe her a 'thank you', b/c she's the one that talked him into getting the computer & joining Facebook, and the first thing he did was try to find me!  lol

When I think of all the things that had to fall into place exactly right in order for my life to do a complete 180, it blows my mind.  He got a computer for one reason and ended up using it for another.  He didn't want to tell me how he felt, especially since I'd lied and  told him that I was happily married for 22 years.  He confessed to his best friend how he felt and she pushed him to tell me, just to see what would happen.  I am eternally grateful to her for that; we both are.  Ultimately the decision was up to me.  "Should I stay or should I go now...."

Other highlights of this year include having success at my first craft show in November, the trip to Maine and getting to see my bff Michelle, Gene's Christmas party, Barit's Christmas Open House, getting to see my cousin Sharon after her heart surgery instead of just calling/texting/emailing, seeing Diane & the kids when they come up from Maryland, reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, having time to beach comb, walk Pepper and shoot lots of pictures and rediscovering all that this region has to offer.  It's nice to be so close to the water again.  Yeah I lived near Puget Sound and all, but it's not the same as being on the coast, which was a 3-4 hour drive from my house in Washington.  I can go a few miles in any direction and be on the water.  I can walk to Buttermilk Bay Beach from my house.  That's a huge plus.

I lived on the west coast for a long time; I was 24 when I moved there, so we're talking almost a lifetime. And considering I really have no cognitive memories of ages 1 through 6, the 2+ decades spent on the west coast is more than a lifetime.  It's hard to compartmentalize that much time, routine and memories, and move them into the filing cabinet of my brain, especially when I'm surrounded by so many of the trinkets and souvenirs from that time period.  This is a totally new phase and I'm still adjusting to it.  Last December 31st I never in a million years thought I'd fall madly in love with a former classmate, leave my marriage, quit my career,  drive across the country and move back to Cape Cod.  It's 1989 in reverse and that's one of the things that weirds me out.  Talk about bookending a life! The only difference between 1989 and 2011 is that back then, I wanted, and planned, to quit my career, drive across the country and move to San Francisco.  It was going to be a solo move, but then Brian and I got together and eloped after 2 months, so he went too.  On 12/31/88, I knew that I'd be on the west coast by mid-89.  On 12/31/10, I had zero inkling that I'd move, and back to the Cape of all places, by mid-11.  Sharon still enjoys teasing me, "'I'm never moving back to the Cape.  Nope. NOT. EVER.'  Hmm....so what happened to that one, Jo?"  Never say never.

Starting over at our ages of 47 and 49 is one scary-ass prospect.  It was a 'devil-may-care' & exciting adventure at age 24, but now it's terrifying.  But I say that with humour, I really do.  There's no one else I'd rather embark on this new phase than with my man.  It's so great to see old friends and have new laughs with them. We went to a Christmas party in early December and I was surrounded by so many people from Sandwich High School that it blew my mind.  It was at my friend Gene's house; a house which I literally grew up in, as our parents were (and still are) very close (my parents are his godparents).  So many memories of visiting them on Christmas Eve in the 70's, after 5:00 p.m. Mass, when we were children. And the parties his parents threw in those days!  Wall-to-wall adults in the house and everyone's kids outside playing.  It was a little surreal being there again; this time we are the adults socializing inside, and a new generation of kids was running through the house like we did 35-40 years ago.

I look over this past year with wonder.  I can't believe all this stuff happened to me; it's like watching someone else's life unfold.  All I know is, I must've done something really great karma-wise to have all these amazing things happen to me this year.  The only black mark on it is that I miss Sagan very, very much.  On some level I really thought that I'd see him again.  I figured that, by now, I would have flown him east and he'd be with me and Pepper.  That's been the hardest part of this entire move, leaving behind my beloved dog.  He is so sweet and I miss him so much, and just thinking about him makes me cry.  I miss giving him snuggles and cuddles. I miss how he'd dive halfway onto my couch and bury his head under my arm, then rest it on my lap.  I miss seeing him being goofy...this 90 lb German shepherd playing like a little puppy, rolling around on his back and grunting with a squeak toy in his mouth, then when he saw me staring at him and laughing he'd stop squirming, leap up and run over to me for a cuddle.  I can only hope that he is being well cared for, as there is zero contact between Brian and I.  Some of my friends are FB friends with him and will inquire how Sagan is doing, just to let me know, and I appreciate that.

As I said I don't miss work, but I do miss the generous Christmas bonus I used to get each year.  I really looked forward to my annual January and February online shopping sprees and trip to the annual Palmer Wirfs Antique Show & Sale in Puyallup.  Ah well.  I certainly don't need anymore 'stuff'.  I have boxes that haven't been unpacked as it is, and no room for anymore knick knacks.  The other day I was surfing around on all my fave shopping websites, just to see what's new, what I might have wanted, what I might possibly be able to afford.  I surprised myself by not finding much, if anything.  There are a couple of beaded cross stitch kits, but that's about it.  I have all the art supplies I could ever want.....I ordered a ton of stuff after last Christmas before I decided to move, and I never got the opportunity to use them b/c I was too busy packing.  I still love to look at antique beaded purses, but I have nearly all my collection in an acid-free box b/c they were deteriorating out in the open all those years, so I can't even display them.  It would be nice to have a little extra money for us to take a trip, or buy a sectional reclining couch unit so that we can actually sit together, but that will come in time.

2011 was quite a year, yes indeed.  One I'll not soon forget.  The year that I got my life back, the year that I found my soulmate and the love of my life, the year that I finally pulled out of a decade of depression and hopelessness.  I know that whenever you have a good year, a bad year often follows.....that's just the cycle of life.

Who knows what 2012 will bring? But at least I feel better prepared for it, now that I have a loving man and lots of friends by my side.  I don't make resolutions, so all I'm gonna do is continue to try and build a better me.

Happy New Year everyone!!!