Dark Days

"Don't push me
'Cause I'm close to the edge
I'm trying not to loose my head
It's like a jungle sometimes
It makes me wonder
How I keep from going under."

Grandmaster Flash, "The Message"

I don't suffer from seasonal affective disorder, despite our dark winters. My bad mood, stress and anxiety can be traced back for many years, and they have been building and building, and I think they are going to breach the levee at any minute. If I had to put my finger on the one turning point or event that started me off, it's definitely 9/11/01.

• In April, 2002, Brian was laid off from his job, although fortunately started a new job in October, 2002, but that was very stressful for both of us; his unemployment check was pitiful. My dear friend Stokely died suddenly right before Crissmiss, 2002.
• My cousin Dickie also died suddenly in Feb. 2003, my Uncle Frank in April, 2003 and my beloved father from lung cancer in June, 2003.
• In 2004, Brian underwent chemo for HCV. The side effects were horrendous. He was unable to function and barely able to work.
• In 2005, we bought a piece of property that I wish we had never, ever bought because it was cursed. Maybe I'll do a post about "The Curse of the Neilton Land" sometime. It had to have been cursed b/c we went through some bad shit.
• Anyway, 2006 Brian was miserable at his job so he started working at Weyco, but then spent more than a month working out of the Oregon office, only coming home late Friday and leaving on Sun. night or Mon. morning. We sold the Neilton property that summer.
• In September, 2006, my boss Robyn left the firm to become a Court Commissioner. Steve and Debby were barely able to function, so I carried the firm and tried to keep the mood light w/ lots of jokes and stuff. Let's not forget the many storms last winter and our 5 day power outage a year ago next week.
• In Jan., 2007, Deb's father started his long decline and I was at the office, often working on Sunday mornings and carrying the burden alone for most of the time, till last week when she came back. My left foot is in so much pain and nothing is helping, not even the shot the dr. gave me. My orthotics are finally in and I go get them next week. The pain keeps me awake. I can't take the dogs for a walk, I can't go to the gym, I can barely get thru grocery shopping and even then I'm using the shopping cart like a walker, hopping on my right foot as much as possible. I cut my shopping plans short b/c I can't walk. I haven't even been antiquing b/c I can't walk that much. I'm 43 fucking years old and I hobble around the house with a cane.

I could not care less about the holidays. I don't want to decorate. I don't want to bake. I made some cards last weekend but I don't feel like finishing. I still haven't sent out my mom's gift. Normally, everything is done by, or on, Thanksgiving weekend, including the decorating. Not this year. I usually watch all the Crissmiss shows and movies. No interest this year. It's just a big fat pain in the ass, the whole fucking holiday season. The Season of Brotherly Shove.

I went back on my antidepressants this fall. I was not doing at all well off them. But this time, they are not working. So I'm junking out on sugar, and stress-eating. NOTHING is making me feel better. Not shopping, not crafts, not donating to charity, not even the bitchin Crissmiss bonus my boss just handed me. Nothing.

Last night I fell and I just burst into hysterical wailing and sobbing. I let it all out for about 15 minutes: I just screamed obscenities and cried my eyes out; I managed to scare both the dogs with my keening. I thought that was the release I needed but it wasn't.

I fear that I am dangerously close to a serious mental and emotional breakdown. Every time Steve comes in my office with another task, I want to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and then start crying. There is so much anger boiling under the surface and all I want to do is punch and kick and scream and cry and swear. It's so bad that I'm starting to scare myself because of the sick musings I have in my head. Like wanting to take a hit out on some people I know. Like wishing I had a gun in my car so that I could kill everyone who gets in my way on the road. Just blow them away. Make them get on their knees and beg for mercy as I hold the barrel against their forehead, then pull the trigger. Or run them off the road or into the other lane of traffic, or purposely slam my brakes on to make the fucking asshole semi who won't get the fuck out of my lane jack-knife. I get so apoplectic that I get this dizzy feeling in my head, I literally see red or my vision blurs, and I go absolutely apeshit screaming and flipping people off and exaggerating the words "FUCK YOU", "ASSHOLE" and "CUNT" when they look in their rearview mirrors and see my raging. You may see me on the news one of these days because I am that angry behind the wheel.

I get apoplectic in stores now too and I've nearly gotten into arguments with the stupid fucking morons in line in front of me because they are so fucking slow and stupid and "can I pay half with cash and half on my debit card?" or they don't have their money/check/card READY when the checker gives them the total, or it's some old bat who is all, "But the price of the milk is supposed to be $3.50 not $3.60, I want my dime back!" The person has just spent $100 or more for groceries and stuff and she's whining about goddamn .10? I start muttering out loud, "Oh for the love of god! Stupid fucking bitch. Way to be ready you stupid asshole. Oh that's right, I forgot you are the only person on planet earth and the only person in line." People taking up room in store aisles and being so oblivious that you stand there going, "Excuse me. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!" then they give you a dirty look b/c you got terse. They're lucky I didn't say, "get the fuck out of my way asshole!" Oh and let's not forget the fuckers who are going in or out of store right in front of you, but they let the door slam in your face instead of holding it. Or I'll hold it for someone and they won't even say "thank you". Or I'll let someone with 2 items go ahead of me in the grocery store and that goes unacknowledged or they end up paying with 3 credit cards AND cash.

Counseling? Been there, done that. I went to counseling in California. Didn't do jack shit. All I did was air my many, many grievances and anger about my very fucked up self esteem as well as childhood "baggage" that I cannot seem to shake, and they never gave me any skills to cope or move on. I just gave them my money, bitched about stuff, and went home feeling the same way I did b/f I went in.

I have so many things for which to be thankful, and I am a very fortunate person. I know that. I have a wonderful hubby, 2 adorable dogs, a great house and job. Both our vehicles are paid. We have food, clothes, warmth.....But I cannot deal with day to day life anymore. It's killing me. My stomach hurts, my head hurts. Everything fucking hurts, 24/7. I put on such a happy face and joke around a lot and make people laugh, and inside I'm slowly dying. But isn't that always the way with funny people. Many of them are crying on the inside. That's me. I have no friends here in Washington. Not a one. All of you, my dearest friends, are scattered to the wind. I miss having a girlfriend to hang out with. I miss that so much.

When I was a senior in high school, my accounting teacher would often just space out in the middle of teaching. He'd just stop talking and stare out the windows behind us. The class would start shuffling uncomfortably, and we'd all steal glances behind us to see what he was looking at. Then he'd snap out of it and pick up where he left off. His name was Mr. Ash, but behind his back we started calling him "Mr. Hash". He had a complete breakdown right after that. I find myself staring off into space an awful lot.....more than usual.

I don't mean to scare or freak anyone out; I would not off myself. But I just feel like I'm painted into a corner and I am stuck but good. Anyways, think good thoughts for me because I'm in a pretty dark place right now.