When life hands you lemons.....

....you leave work early, go to the bead shop, then take a mental health day and spend the day in a quiet house doing beadwork. At least that's what I do when life hands me lemons.

Crankypants

I had a rough day on Monday, and decided that it was not only in my best interest that I take the day off, but that it would be in mankind's best interest to take the day off. Several months ago I did a post about trying to wean off the antidepressants. It's taken a very long time, but I finally did it. Unfortunately, nearly everything is making me cry or choke up, including commercials, songs, TV shows.....you name it and I'm on the verge of tears. Throw in my normal road rage, and the contempt and disdain for our clients, and it's The Perfect Storm.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

Although we have clients that I do like a lot, the majority of them are big time whiners. Especially the men. The men give us the most trouble, calling and weeping about their divorce, crying poor mouth and "she's gonna bleed me dry". I have absolutely no sympathy for them. We have this one client (who I know is somewhat scared of me because I have no time for his excuses and I refuse to mollycoddle him), who pays everything with his debit card. He has tons of money to go out to eat and spend on his "lady friends", but pay his lawyer's bill? Oh, and his wife has access to his statements and I shit you not, his debit card statement reads like this: "Hooters, Fred Meyer Jewelry, The Lusty Lady, Lover's Package, Super 8 Motel." All located on the notorious "SeaTac Strip" where Green River Killer Gary Ridgway used to hunt. Hmmmm.......it doesn't take Detective Goren to figure out what he's doing with his time and money. (Lover's Package is one of the many sex toy shoppes we have out here). And he wonders why his wife is going for the jugular in this divorce.

I have another male client who calls and cries his eyes out, how he doesn't want this divorce, why did she leave him, etc etc etc. He's so freakin clingy that I don't blame his wife one bit for leaving him. Then you know what he says to me? "I found out her grandmother did the same thing when she hit menopause too." I nearly blew a head gasket. How I managed to keep from telling him that clearly he's a sexist bastard and I'm glad that his wife is moving on with her life and if he EVER says something like that to me again, he will be VERY sorry.

Then I get a call from a woman who talked to my boss in March about his taking over her case, then we hear absolutely nothing from her. The trial is July 11. Her other lawyer withdrew on May 31 so I called him and he sent his file over. I called her to ask what was going on, and she kept telling me that Steve told her that "we have plenty of time, there's no rush." This time, I blew said head gasket. I said, "Yeah, we had time in MARCH! IT'S NEARLY A MONTH TO TRIAL AND NOW YOU WANT US TO REPRESENT YOU? I can tell ya one thing, the trial in July just ain't happenin'. We're going to have to move for a continuance, because Steve can't possibly prepare this case in such a short period of time," and she gives me shit about how her trial's already been moved twice! I tersely told her that she should have hired us in March.

It was at that point I decided I'd better take a mental health day because although I will vent about these people around the office, I never actually get like that with them on the phone.

And my coworker has had a really bad nagging cough for about a year. Yes, you read that right, a year. The constant coughing is driving me fucking BATSHIT. All goddamn day long, cougha- cougha-cougha-cough. Here's an idea, get some medication! Move to the desert Southwest! But STOP COUGHING!!! I swear to god, it's nonstop as I write this and I'm gonna start taking hostages.......

No Shit Sherlock

I had a dr. appt. on Monday about my ongoing and terrible foot/shin/ankle pain, and low back pain. She tells me I have plantar faciitis, which is what I figured. Then she hints around that maybe I should look into losing some weight. Well HELLO! Excuse me Miss Genetically Blessed Uber Nordic Tall And Thin Doctor, if my friggin feet and legs didn't hurt so bad, MAYBE I COULD GET SOME EXERCISE!!! She tells me to cut down on my portion sizes. Jesus Christ. If she could see my portion sizes, and the food I eat, she would know damn well that I do not overeat. Why do people assume that overweight people eat like pigs and have no control? Has it ever occurred to them that maybe we are trying and have constantly struggled with it our whole lives but our genetics are working against us?

I hate Technology

A few months ago we had Comcast come out and give us a DVR cable box. Unfortunately they hooked it up and somehow made it so we can't tape off the VCR too. Since then, I've recorded a bunch of stuff that I haven't watched yet, plus all the Bobby episodes of LOCI. For some reason, when you look at the guide, when you press "info" to see what a show is about, the box will switch itself off, then take about 5 minutes to come back on and reset. Annoying, yes. Brian called Comcast and told them and they were gonna come out today to replace the box. I called Brian back and asked, "what about the stuff that's recorded? I do not want to lose all of it!" So he calls Comcast then calls me back to say, "Yep, we'll lose all of it so I canceled the appointment." See, this is why I like videotaping. It's something tangible. I can record the tape, rewind it, take it out, label it. Watch it whenever I want. Replace the VCR if it breaks. But not with a DVR. Now we have to figure out how to transfer from DVR to tape, which is sort of stupid because if I'm gonna have tapes anyway, then why did we get a DVR in the first damn place?

Although I like my digicam, I am somewhat distressed at not having tangible negatives. I keep all my negatives in plastic preserver sheets, in 3 ring binders. I can lay my hand on any negative for any photograph for the past 30 years in a matter of minutes. All I get with a digital camera is a disc that I have to futz around with on the computer. I hate to futz.

I HATE PEOPLE From "Scrooge" (Leslie Bricusse)

Scavengers and sycophants and flatterers and fools
Pharisees and parasites and hypocrites and ghouls
Calculating swindlers, prevaricating frauds
Perpetrating evil as they roam the earth in hordes
Feeding on their fellow men
Reaping rich rewards
Contaminating everything they see
Corrupting honest me like me
Humbug! Poppycock! Balderdash! Bah! I hate people!
I hate people! People are despicable creatures
Loathesome inexplicable creatures
Good-for-nothing kickable creatures I hate people!
I abhor them!
When I see the indolent classes
Sitting on their indolent asses
Gulping ale from indolent glasses I hate people!
I detest them! I deplore them!
I hate people! I loathe people!
I despise and abominate people!
Life is full of cretinous wretches
Earning what their sweatiness fetches
Empty minds whose pettiness stretches
Further than I can see
Little wonder I hate people
And I don't care if they hate me!